Since I was young, I've always had a curiosity for the odd, strange, and unknown. Things that would normally creep others out, I found interesting and wanted to explore the whats, whys, and hows about them. This wasn't limited to just paranormal encounters, as I enjoyed to push my brain into finding out why people are the way they seem, especially mental acuity and aspects of the soul. I say these things as a preface to why I'm writing this particular post: I have nightmares. Often.
Now, normally, I usually just shake them off and go back to sleep. Usually, I can account for almost every minute detail, as these dreams are very vivid and unnervingly realistic. I think about writing them down, but I usually give way to the idea that they are pointless. Sometimes, however, certain nightmares will dig deep into my consciousness, leaving me with the distinct feeling that I should be paying attention to the reason I'm having them. I'm going to relive the one I just had, in order to do just that, in hopes that writing it out can help me make sense of it all.
I went to bed at 2am this morning. I woke up gasping for air, as if someone replaced all the oxygen in the room with despair and I was choking on it. I looked at the clock. 5:27am. I did not go back to sleep. It's currently 7am.
******
Everything is white. Snow covers all that it can touch for what seems like eternity. The wind is biting, and we approach a small log structure, in what appears to be the middle of the deep woods. I dig out a foxhole of sorts, to put us below the howling wind and hopefully be able to rest. My wife, two kids, and I lay under an assortment of blankets and makeshift tarps, as close as we can to each other. Whatever happened to our home, this world, was in the back of our minds as all we had room for was desperation.
It was understood that we could not go into the cabin. The sky was as dull as the steel door that adorned the one entry point into the building. No windows, no markings of any sort. We had heard of this place before. Call it an urban legend, superstition, or whatever, it was known as a place of torment. I'm not sure if it was haunted or possessed, but it's presence unnerved me. Rumor had it that it was dark and lonely, with a permanently burning candle on the one piece of furniture in the place, a table. Next to the candle, supposedly, there would be a pistol.
Normally, given the conditions, we would have just went in anyways, but we remained about thirty feet away in our hole. Being so close to this place really bothered my mind. My hands were shaking, not from the bitter cold, but from the uneasy feeling that was running through my veins.
Then it happened.
My wife stood up, and starred at me. Her eyes. Once green and vibrant, were lifeless and frigid. She speaks softly, telling me that it was stupid for us to be out here. That this has to end, it's too much to handle. She starts climbing up and out of our hole. I yell at her to come back, that we need her. WE need her, I say, pointing out the sleeping kids. She carries on. Tears feel like they freeze coming down my face, but I do not move. I keep begging her to stop. I hear the door open, then shut with a heart dropping thud.
A few hours later, as the kids wake up, I pack all of our stuff, and we press on. We walk about fifteen feet before I hear the gunshot. My son asks were mommy went. I tell him that she is a coward, and she has went to be with all of the rest of them.
******
The way I see it, there are maybe three possible explanations for this dream. I will detail each one, but please remember that this was a dream and not an indication of my wife in any way. I believe her role in this dream was to really make this hit home for me, as she is the most important thing to me, outside of my kids.
First, It could be that I have a fear of losing my wife. All that she does, and how she loves my family and I, would be irreplaceable. I cannot imagine life without her, which would explain the fear this dream creates in me.
Secondly, and more superficially, maybe it has to do with being afraid of a world ending event. We've all seen the shows and read the books. Who knows what it will be like. I know I shouldn't be concerned with it, but subconsciously, maybe I am.
Lastly, I would like to dive deeper into this, and give you my personal thoughts as the the meaning of this nightmare. I see a family. It could be any family in anywhere USA. Everyone thinks they are strong and happy, except maybe they aren't. Maybe, one person is really dealing with some difficult mental issues, even if it isn't apparent to the others. Do we really try to dig and help others that are hurting? Do we really care to even notice?
I believe it could really be all three scenarios, but I would also add that I don't think the cabin was real in the dream. Think about it: we were in a desperate situation, with nowhere to turn and no explanation. The cabin represented relief, a way out. A metaphor for suicide. One burning candle that goes out with the bang of the gun.
In the wake of Robin Williams death, I found myself saying what I normally do when someone decides to end their own life: "What a coward. Selfish. What about their family." I realize, That maybe this was a wake up call.
People are quick to judge the action, but evade responsibility for helping those who are in need. Some Christians add insult to injury by putting eternal damnation on that person's soul. Why are we ignoring the fact that people have real issues, that depression is a major problem that most are unwilling to accept. "Oh, it's just mental thing, they can get over it if they wanted to." WRONG. Some can't, and we should be the first in line to help heal, support, and pray for them.
Some people experience a loss of self. A loss of importance. A loss.
Maybe, we are the cowards for not allowing our hearts to see this suffering.
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