SEARCH, DIG

"Walking into a place unknown.
Weary of a life I've grown to know.
I'm looking at the faces of a generation lost and scared.
But we'd rather close our eyes and dream of a child with a bed under their skin.

We are not alone.
We won't be invisible.
Tens by ten thousands, we plead for something more.

Cry out, oh sons and daughters.
Rest your washed-out eyes.
Grace will keep you alive.

We are not alone.
We won't be invisible.
Tens by ten thousands, we plead for something more.

We search, we dig for roots of a stable home.
We search, we dig for a life better than this.
Tens by ten thousands we search, we dig for a life better than this."
The Overseer- "Dredge"


I search and dig for answers all the time. Sometimes it's OK to want to know more. People don't like it when you push the boundaries of Christianity, what God is, what God wants... What it all means...The more you want to know, the more you'll push yourself to find what really matters to you. Your peace, Your true heart, can be revealed by what you search for. DIG.

GUEST POST: Chris J. on meaning

This post is from a friend of mine, Chris J. This shows, just like Danny S. post, how awesome it is to see the opinions of others. I encourage you to read on!

I work in a place where talking during the day (if you can) really makes the difference between time going by relatively quickly and going by slower than a young Lego enthusiast being put in front of a wall of Legos being told to choose one. I know from experience on that one, it could take hours to make a decision that could only take 5 seconds. Yes, at work we teeter on the brink of breezing through and gnashing our teeth on any given day.
So, that being said, us diligent workers at the manufacturing plant of BMW tend to want to talk, shoot the breeze, get in each others business.....and philosophize to our hearts content. This is a very good training ground for people, such as myself, who like to play the field with such topics such as religion, science, politics (but who really cares about politics eh?), social issues, what we would've done with our lives other than this, and conspiracy theories. And that's just topics for the first quarter of some days that just so happen to go by at a snails pace.
Religion and the Bible tend to be a hot topic among several people. It has given me some very challenging topics to digest. Being confronted with people that span the wide range of opinions ranging from the literal “you're going to hell for not believing what I believe” to “Jesus could have been an alien” has really caused me to think, which is not a bad thing,  unless you really think Jesus was and alien, the buck stops there.
Several people really search. We really care what we think, and in turn, we really care what others think. It dawned on me one day as I saw a few associates having a heated discussion on a Bible topic. Something very profound. Earth shattering if you will. A ground breaking peace of information came to me. And what's even more intriguing is that my wife confirmed it by bringing up this same bit of “inspiration” days later. Ahhhh, synchronicity. Here it is:
Meaningless, it's all meaningless.
There it is. Do with it what you may. I's meaningless to get into it with people about what they believe about anything....unless they care to know. ESPECIALLY religion. Everything is meaningless. That's what we are told in the book Ecclesiastes in the Bible. That book popped in my head, and like I said, my wife later mentioned it in talking about this taxing subject. Unbeknownst to me, she had been thinking the same thing, and reading Ecclesiastes just as I was.
You see, we all search for meaning. Hell, I search for meaning in what song comes on the frickin radio when I'm going through something. How pitiful is that? We search for meaning in our jobs, in relationships, in marriage, in food and drink, recreational pleasure...you name it. The writer of this book stress's the awesome truth that we can all grasp without going through any of that. I paraphrase:
“Forget about it buddy, everything in this crummy world is meaningless, so don't even try finding any meaning. You'll fall short every time.”
So than what's the point? What do I do for meaning? Should I care what other's think? Believe? How they view life and God?
Here's what I've come to learn through this: I bring the meaning to this meaninglessness. We are it. We are the meaning. Us + God = meaning. It's not up to me to convince someone, other than myself, what to believe or how to view God and life. We are all on our own journeys of discovery....destiny. People who are open, who want to know, are going to listen to me and want to learn what I know. And vice versa. Getting into debates with others is meaningless – a chasing after the wind.
The same writer who wrote Ecclesiastes said “a man can do nothing better than to eat and drink an find satisfaction in his work.” And also, “I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.” Translation: Meaning comes from working, enjoying the fruits of that labor and enjoying as much of this life as you can without hopes of finding meaning in it.
Another point I came across. We base our society off the ten commandments. The first one is to have but one God – the one true God of Love and Life. The other nine commandments were all how best to treat other people. Funny. Jesus said something like that didn't he? The one thing he left us with is to love God with everything we have, and to love others like ourself. In other words, everything else is meaningless.
I'm realizing more and more that my path is my path. I am extremely open to let people know what I have discovered and what I may be questioning, or what I may have figured out and settled on. I try to find so much meaning in that. I try to find so much meaning in my work, in what I do for a living. I try to find so much meaning in who I am, what I eat, what I drink, the clothes I wear and the car I drive. It's all pointless, it's all going away one day. Even my opinions.
The meaning comes from inside of me. This meaning I bring to my daily life that stems from my daily walk with the Divine. Most people call Him/Her God. There is meaning in how I treat people and conduct my affairs in relationships. What I “believe” about all this other stuff is for me. If you want to know, the hungry will be seeking and ask for it. And the hungry will find it. Otherwise, it's mine. The meaning is mine. 

WHY? I'll tell you...

I wanted to take a quick moment to clarify as to why I do this blog, as some confusion has come from a few of my posts. The basics are simple: I lived a crappy live, I got married and had a son, I really started to embrace God. The point is in the grey areas, the places most Christians don't like to go or to talk about. I want this to be a place where people can talk about their lives, past and present. This is not meant to be a "God only" forum, nor is it suppose to be a place of judgement. Everyone is different. It's simply amazing how we have become who we are today. Each story varies. Some people go through harder stuff than others, some people just coast through life. We all make choices and we are who we are because of this. I want people to talk about it. Come out of your comfort zone and be open to being changed and changing others. You may have went through something that a current reader is just now experiencing. Think of the help you could be to that person in that dark place. You could share how you persevered through it, leading to a drastic change in some one else's circumstances. I want this to be a place where anyone can say anything, not be chastised for it, and we can all discuss it in an adult manner. I know a lot of people read this blog, but choose not to comment. That's OK. I hope you are getting something out of it. But to those who are actual contributing to the conversation, whether it be by guest posts, or blog/Facebook comments, I sincerely thank you. It's not easy discussing this stuff. I've put out some very personal, agonizing details of my life, with more to come. It's not just about talking about my religion, or lack there of. It's about hope and determination. We can all love one another if we quit being afraid of each other.

My father and My Regrets...

This is probably going to be the hardest post I've had to do. It's not easy not being able to handle things. I like to be in control of my feelings and know how to resolve them, and when I can't I usually pray about it and will feel better about it in time. This is different. In August, my father passed away unexpectedly. At his funeral, I said some things that apparently upset some people about my relationship with my dad and how I wish I could be half the man he was. I got the expected "you're a great dad" stuff, and shook it off for the time being. The truth is I've been dying on the inside over a lot of things left unresolved and unsaid with my dad. I haven't been able to find relief. Not in prayer, not in family, not in anything. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with by far. I decided to make this public, not to bring attention to me, but to continue trying to be as honest as I can with you guys, and myself. My intention is not to shed a bad light on my father, but rather explain these feelings in an attempt to find some relief by airing them out.

My dad was always hard to live with. From an early age, till his death, my dad was a hardened man who showed very little emotion about anything. He had a quick temper and hold a grudge, which is where I got it from I guess. We butted heads so much because we were a lot alike. He was stubborn and wanted things done his way and I, of course, went against just about anything he said. Some times it seemed like he was being insensitive when I made a mistake. I made a lot of mistakes. He was always there to fix any mess up I created. Whether it be financially, or a home repair, I could always count on him. I used him as a safety net. I took him for granted. He had mentioned multiple times that it bothered him that we (Ben and I) always went to my mom, instead of him, for any type of emotional support. I rarely gave him the privilege of just being a dad. He was always worried about me and my constant mess ups. It got to the point where when I would call, he would answer with "What do you need." I really did take him for granted, but I did care about him. This kills me to say this, but I cannot honestly say that he knew I loved him. I hope he did, but I didn't do much to show him when I could. This rips me to pieces. I always did care for him, but didn't express it much, and I should have. If you have some one that you love and are constantly arguing with (like most families do), make sure they know how you truly feel because you may not get to tell them again. This is not something you want to live everyday with. It destroys me.

My mom was in Charlotte with Molly and Ben, for the birth of little Zoey. Sarah and I were going to head up there and my mom mentioned that I should call my dad and invite him to come. My dad was usually straight forward, and I thought if he wanted to go he would just tell me. I didn't call him. He may have said no, even if I would have asked him, but I didn't give him the chance. He didn't come up, didn't get to see Molly, Ben, and his new grand daughter. I feel like I denied them of getting to see him this one last time. What's worse, I gave up the one last opportunity I had to talk to him over the phone. I was never able to speak to him again. My heart breaks for my mom, Ben, Molly and Zoey as I feel personally responsible for this. I'm so sorry.

I feel like I've let my father down. I still keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. I wanted him to be proud of me, but I just never did anything to encourage it. I saw the way he lit up when talking about Ben, how he was at a great university, and was going to get a great job. Meanwhile, I'm stuck just getting by after dropping out of college and getting into debt. Luke was the only thing I felt I did that merited pride from my father. He loved Luke so much.. Luke loved him. I hate the fact that Luke will not get to experience life with him, and vice-versa. It upsets me so much and hurts my heart just to type it.

I know I usually have some message of hope or love to wrap up a post with. I don't this time. I don't have a chance at redemption this time. He's gone and I'll never be able to right these wrongs. I haven't been able to fix these feelings, and I deal with them EVERY DAY. I plead for resolution. I feel like my prayers are not being answered. Maybe I'm dealing with this wrong. The truth is, I don't know what to do. These thoughts rush though my head constantly. I replay the moment where I told Nanny and Papa at church in my head constantly. The despair, the hurt, the anguish on their faces, it tortures me constantly. I feel for them, as I do for everyone in my family. I know he meant a lot to all of you as well. My dad was an extremely smart man. I hope and pray that I can be even a fraction of what he was. I love you all.

"Dear Daddy, don't you miss me
Cause in Heaven there's no room for tears
I can feel you here
Now as I'm thumbing through the pages
Seems forever is just too far away
When we meet again
I'll remember when

Right in front of me
You disappeared
You're still vanishing
You left me here

I stand here today
So far from the same
It's hard to move on without you
So my God fill these spaces left in me
I'm so near to lost but I'm not
So near to lost but I'm not alone"

-Nine Lashes- "Afterglow"

The Arrogant Church

Every one has a reason on why they believe what they believe in. Whether it's because of how they were raised, or because of some life event that lead them there, we are all different in what we think about when it comes to God. I'll admit that it frustrates me when I meet and talk to people who are unyielding in their beliefs, with absolutely no possibility that they could be wrong. It must be nice to have it all figured out, and to be so much smarter than everyone else. How can people be so arrogant about something that is really above our mental capacity?

The Bible. Some people treat this as the end all to all discussions about God. Even though it has been translated over a thousand times, was wrote by man, and can be contextually irrelevant, some think it is the only answer. What kills me is that the different interpretations alone have lead to so many different denominations, all with varying beliefs that can be completely contrary to the other. Some think, no, they KNOW their way is the right way. Their interpretation is correct, and to think otherwise is ridiculous and incorrect. These are probably my least favorite type of Christians. They grew up Southern Baptist or Catholic, and to them, it is the only correct way. I've been to churches where they actually preach about other churches being wrong and terrible. This sucks people. We are suppose to be united..... Separating people out into wrong or right categories to suite what you believe in is not only absurd, it is prideful and self gratifying. Sins right? Accept that your opinion is just that, an opinion, and be open to others who have different thoughts regarding the Bible and God. I know that some readers are going to be upset by this, but if they are, they are exactly who I'm talking about. It's tiring. Every time an issue or event occurs, these people quote Bible verses, often with no compassion or love to the actual subject at hand. We learn about God in our day to day life, through prayer, through our handling of certain things, and deep self exploration, not JUST in the reading of the Bible. I am not against the Bible, mind you, It just annoys me when people can't see God in the bigger picture. As a friend put it to me, you cannot limit God to just one book, he is limitless and ever expanding, far past our comprehension and our set thoughts. Why not push yourself to really define your relationship with God further? Why just say, "The Bible says this, so it is, and nothing more." The Bible is wonderful and can be extremely helpful in multiple aspects of our lives, but I think to limit our perception of God to this one book, can be harmful to our growth in Lord.

I had breakfast with a couple of friends last Saturday, and some things were put into a better light. If a non-believer came into a room, with two types of Christianity represented by two individuals, what would happen? In one corner, you have the "set in stone, I am right about everything, Bible quoting machine, repent or you're doomed" and in the other you have the "open arms, I love everyone, I know what you are going through and can relate." Who do you think the average person will go to? Probably the second. People don't like to be preached to, nor do they like to be treated like they are villains and below the common Christian. But what if the first option is the only one in the room? This person may be permanently turned off to Christ because of the actions of one person, whether it's right or wrong.  This is what bothers me about the state of the Church in today's society. Most people don't feel comfortable going to their own church members or staff to talk about the major issues they are feeling, due to either embarrassment or the fear of being judged. Christians really need to get off this judging trend. Some don't even realize they are doing it, but when you present your way as being the only answer, you are, in fact, saying that the other is wrong.

It's hard to be a light, in the light. Don't tell me about all the amazing things you do at your church. Tell me about the actual difference you make in the Dark. Most people who are conflicted, confused, and hurt, are not in the pews of your church, singing hymns, and reading the Bible. They are in the darkness, afraid of the Church and it's congregation. You cannot reach people by limiting yourself, your actions, your scenery, to just one thing. Expand. Be willing to open your heart to all types of people, all suffering from different types of sin, and don't worry about what your "fellow Christian" thinks about it. Some of the best discussions I've ever had about God have come with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. Think about that. Some of you just heard beer and God and quivered like I just committed a travesty. Others may have thought, "man I could relate to this guy, he won't condemn me like the others."

I believe going to Church is important to some people. I enjoy going from time to time. What I'm trying to say is that you can miss a Sunday and be as close to God as any person, in any congregation, in the world. Some people find more growth in God in a different setting, and this is OK, too. Stop putting all these rules and regulations on the followers of God, and let people worship and grow in their own way. You are not right about everything, and I'm not either, so let's just accept each other and respect our difference in opinions. You are not God, so stop telling me how God feels and deals with certain things in our world. These things are better left for God to determine, not man.

Two Sucky Days of Failure

Friday and Saturday were tough days for me. The feeling of lost progress was staggering. The realization that I couldn't make it from one post to another without being a hypocrite was unsettling. I'm going to go in chronological order, starting on Friday morning, and detail some events that prove the fight is never over. Two particular themes run through both days, mostly twisted together, but all leading to the same epiphany: You can never let your guard down and you always can do better than what your doing. Hate/anger and impatience are killers that I didn't even know I had an issue with until now.

Friday
I got up, got ready, went to work. This was like any other day for me, up early and working hard, as usual. When I got there, I found out that someone had been hired on permanently. This isn't unusual, but this particular person wasn't expected to get hired over a lot of other guys, including me. He had been there for a few years, but isn't the kind of guy I would personally hire, not to mention he was next to last in quality in the entire area. Most people were upset, but I was conflicted. I wanted to be happy for him, I really did. I know his life had just changed for the better and his family was going to be so proud. Trying to take my own medicine, I wanted to love my neighbor, regardless of the circumstances. I couldn't though. There were more qualified candidates (in my eyes at least), and it was discouraging for those of us who work extremely hard, and have few issues with quality. I hated the company for making this decision. I was jealous and angry of the guy that got hired. I was impatient with all this waiting around and never getting anywhere. I felt like I was sinking into despair. The day was long, and I thought about my want to be happy for him, and my desire to scream at everyone. I got home, took a shower, and ate dinner. I got on the computer and noticed a post from my friend on Facebook. The question asked was something to the effect of " To all my atheist friends, how do you explain the origin of the universe?." In my not so distant past, I loved to get involved in a good debate, but it almost always ended badly. Anger and tempers flared, feeling were hurt, people hated each other. I just waited and read the comments. A gentleman, self-proclaimed apatheist, had quite a bit to say about the subject. I didn't really have a problem with what he was saying, just his approach in dealing with others in the forum. He couldn't state his own point without discounting and discrediting the opposition (Christianity). According to him, he had it all figured out. String Theory, M Theory, Big Bang Theory....these were factual to him, regardless if they are blatantly regarded as elaborate guesses. Science is king, not God. He uses big words and useless information to try to confuse and make others feel as if they may be wrong about their opinion. I hate this approach. To be clear, I hate it when Christians do this as well. I got involved in the conversation, which eventually let to disrespecting blow after blow between us. By the time I got done, I wanted to punch this guy in the throat. I didn't even know him, but I hated him. Convenient huh? How often do we ignore our own advice and what we know is right, when it isn't convenient for us. Again, in the same day, I wasn't loving thy neighbor, and I wasn't showing patience like I should. Regardless if I should have got involved in the first place, I shouldn't have been so abrasive as he certainly wouldn't listen to anything I have to say about God now. I hurt my witness and someones perception of me. I couldn't get to sleep thinking about it, and had to work on Saturday for overtime on three hours of sleep. Hate and Impatience had gotten me nothing but a headache and no sleep.

Saturday
As stated, I had to work Saturday, much to my chagrin. With no sleep, and 40 hours already under my belt, I was exhausted and annoyed. To make matters worse, it was my fathers first birthday after passing away last year. I was missing out on spending time with my family and friends, remembering him, and taking comfort in their company. Once again, I hated my work for taking away yet another Saturday of my life, and an important one at that. With all the thoughts of the previous day swirling in my head, I had little to no time to grieve and remember my dad. This added to my feelings of anger and hate. The day was long and brutal, but eventually I got to go see my family. Two days of my life I let slip away being angry and upset with things that I shouldn't have ever let bother me. I felt like I had lost all progress I had made in the last few months.

My wife brought up a good point Saturday night that put things into perspective. A year ago, I would have just got pissed off and let everyone know about it. I would have yelled and screamed, cursed and ranted until every one knew how upset I was. What's worse is that I wouldn't have felt bad about it or even thought about my actions again after it passed. She mentioned to me that at least I was aware of what I was doing. I knew it wasn't right and there was a conflict going on inside of me that I wasn't use to. I had slipped up, made a few mistakes, but I had not lost what I had gained over the last year: Strength to carry on and defeat my failures. While my patience could use some work, it is leaps and bound better than it use to be, and getting better every day. I may not always like my neighbor, but I really can say that I don't hate them. I let all of this go, prayed about it, and moved on.

Sunday, Sarah, Luke and I went out to eat downtown, went to a baseball game, and got ice cream. It was a beautiful day. Thank you Lord for such a beautiful day with my family.

The Body-Guest post by Danny

Hey guys, this post is by my good friend Danny, and I encourage you to take a look and tell us what you think. Remember, I'm all about keeping the conversation open, and though we may not all agree, it's refreshing to see such a great article! read on...

 

The Body

Can a hand grasp tools apart from the body?

Can a leg move forward separated from its body?

Can a face hear, see, taste, or smell without the body?

 

Only in science fiction can the answer be yes. And the body of Christ, that is all people that profess a relationship with Jesus, is no different. This is what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 12:

 

1 Corinthians 12:12-31 MSG

 

You can easily enough see how this kind of thing works by looking no further than your own body. Your body has many parts—limbs, organs, cells—but no matter how many parts you can name, you're still one body. It's exactly the same with Christ. By means of his one Spirit, we all said good-bye to our partial and piecemeal lives. We each used to independently call our own shots, but then we entered into a large and integrated life in which he has the final say in everything. (This is what we proclaimed in word and action when we were baptized.) Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive. I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, "I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body," would that make it so? If Ear said, "I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head," would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it. But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn't be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, "Get lost; I don't need you"? Or, Head telling Foot, "You're fired; your job has been phased out"? As a matter of fact, in practice it works the other way—the "lower" the part, the more basic, and therefore necessary. You can live without an eye, for instance, but not without a stomach. When it's a part of your own body you are concerned with, it makes no difference whether the part is visible or clothed, higher or lower. You give it dignity and honor just as it is, without comparisons. If anything, you have more concern for the lower parts than the higher. If you had to choose, wouldn't you prefer good digestion to full-bodied hair? The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance. You are Christ's body—that's who you are! You must never forget this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your "part" mean anything. You're familiar with some of the parts that God has formed in his church, which is his "body": apostles prophets teachers miracle workers healers helpers organizers those who pray in tongues. But it's obvious by now, isn't it, that Christ's church is a complete Body and not a gigantic, unidimensional Part? It's not all Apostle, not all Prophet, not all Miracle Worker, not all Healer, not all Prayer in Tongues, not all Interpreter of Tongues. And yet some of you keep competing for so-called "important" parts. But now I want to lay out a far better way for you.

 

Most use this passage as an argument for being part of a church, getting involved with corporate worship on a regular basis. And not for a second would I deem that argument as wrong or invalid. But, the reason I'm quoting from The Message version, is the way it emphasizes our individual importance as members of the body. We are all unique and different, but equally necessary for proper functioning and that's not just limited to the inside of the four walls surrounding you while you worship on Sundays (or whichever day you do).

 

You see, the impetus for writing about the body of believers was my realization this morning about just how spiritually draining the workplace can be. It's something I've heard before, but not something I've fully realized. It hasn't changed my ethos, or caused me to doubt the veracity of God's Word, but it has caused me to be more pessimistic, to be a little more loose in the tongue, to focus on negativity and learning how to be selfish and proud instead of humble and self-sacrificing.

 

Can you see the connection yet? Would it surprise you to know that I'm in church very nearly every Sunday, and that I'm involved with the video ministry team, directing a 2 man camera crew at least once a month? If you answered "no", then you're already way ahead of me. See, I never cut myself off from the church, thinking too often that it was enough to fulfill my needs as a part of the body. And yet, here I am, writing about my realization that there is more to it than that; that life has caused a slow erosion of my spiritual self because I'm not actively holding on to and engaging with fellow believers on a regular basis.

 

Today, I feel much more like my old self. After a full week away from those sources of spiritual erosion, I feel optimistic again, even happy, despite a lack of change in my circumstances. And it occurs to me, that I need to guard against thay erosion by embracing the body even more tightly.