Friday
I got up, got ready, went to work. This was like any other day for me, up early and working hard, as usual. When I got there, I found out that someone had been hired on permanently. This isn't unusual, but this particular person wasn't expected to get hired over a lot of other guys, including me. He had been there for a few years, but isn't the kind of guy I would personally hire, not to mention he was next to last in quality in the entire area. Most people were upset, but I was conflicted. I wanted to be happy for him, I really did. I know his life had just changed for the better and his family was going to be so proud. Trying to take my own medicine, I wanted to love my neighbor, regardless of the circumstances. I couldn't though. There were more qualified candidates (in my eyes at least), and it was discouraging for those of us who work extremely hard, and have few issues with quality. I hated the company for making this decision. I was jealous and angry of the guy that got hired. I was impatient with all this waiting around and never getting anywhere. I felt like I was sinking into despair. The day was long, and I thought about my want to be happy for him, and my desire to scream at everyone. I got home, took a shower, and ate dinner. I got on the computer and noticed a post from my friend on Facebook. The question asked was something to the effect of " To all my atheist friends, how do you explain the origin of the universe?." In my not so distant past, I loved to get involved in a good debate, but it almost always ended badly. Anger and tempers flared, feeling were hurt, people hated each other. I just waited and read the comments. A gentleman, self-proclaimed apatheist, had quite a bit to say about the subject. I didn't really have a problem with what he was saying, just his approach in dealing with others in the forum. He couldn't state his own point without discounting and discrediting the opposition (Christianity). According to him, he had it all figured out. String Theory, M Theory, Big Bang Theory....these were factual to him, regardless if they are blatantly regarded as elaborate guesses. Science is king, not God. He uses big words and useless information to try to confuse and make others feel as if they may be wrong about their opinion. I hate this approach. To be clear, I hate it when Christians do this as well. I got involved in the conversation, which eventually let to disrespecting blow after blow between us. By the time I got done, I wanted to punch this guy in the throat. I didn't even know him, but I hated him. Convenient huh? How often do we ignore our own advice and what we know is right, when it isn't convenient for us. Again, in the same day, I wasn't loving thy neighbor, and I wasn't showing patience like I should. Regardless if I should have got involved in the first place, I shouldn't have been so abrasive as he certainly wouldn't listen to anything I have to say about God now. I hurt my witness and someones perception of me. I couldn't get to sleep thinking about it, and had to work on Saturday for overtime on three hours of sleep. Hate and Impatience had gotten me nothing but a headache and no sleep.
Saturday
As stated, I had to work Saturday, much to my chagrin. With no sleep, and 40 hours already under my belt, I was exhausted and annoyed. To make matters worse, it was my fathers first birthday after passing away last year. I was missing out on spending time with my family and friends, remembering him, and taking comfort in their company. Once again, I hated my work for taking away yet another Saturday of my life, and an important one at that. With all the thoughts of the previous day swirling in my head, I had little to no time to grieve and remember my dad. This added to my feelings of anger and hate. The day was long and brutal, but eventually I got to go see my family. Two days of my life I let slip away being angry and upset with things that I shouldn't have ever let bother me. I felt like I had lost all progress I had made in the last few months.
My wife brought up a good point Saturday night that put things into perspective. A year ago, I would have just got pissed off and let everyone know about it. I would have yelled and screamed, cursed and ranted until every one knew how upset I was. What's worse is that I wouldn't have felt bad about it or even thought about my actions again after it passed. She mentioned to me that at least I was aware of what I was doing. I knew it wasn't right and there was a conflict going on inside of me that I wasn't use to. I had slipped up, made a few mistakes, but I had not lost what I had gained over the last year: Strength to carry on and defeat my failures. While my patience could use some work, it is leaps and bound better than it use to be, and getting better every day. I may not always like my neighbor, but I really can say that I don't hate them. I let all of this go, prayed about it, and moved on.
Sunday, Sarah, Luke and I went out to eat downtown, went to a baseball game, and got ice cream. It was a beautiful day. Thank you Lord for such a beautiful day with my family.
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