My father and My Regrets...

This is probably going to be the hardest post I've had to do. It's not easy not being able to handle things. I like to be in control of my feelings and know how to resolve them, and when I can't I usually pray about it and will feel better about it in time. This is different. In August, my father passed away unexpectedly. At his funeral, I said some things that apparently upset some people about my relationship with my dad and how I wish I could be half the man he was. I got the expected "you're a great dad" stuff, and shook it off for the time being. The truth is I've been dying on the inside over a lot of things left unresolved and unsaid with my dad. I haven't been able to find relief. Not in prayer, not in family, not in anything. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with by far. I decided to make this public, not to bring attention to me, but to continue trying to be as honest as I can with you guys, and myself. My intention is not to shed a bad light on my father, but rather explain these feelings in an attempt to find some relief by airing them out.

My dad was always hard to live with. From an early age, till his death, my dad was a hardened man who showed very little emotion about anything. He had a quick temper and hold a grudge, which is where I got it from I guess. We butted heads so much because we were a lot alike. He was stubborn and wanted things done his way and I, of course, went against just about anything he said. Some times it seemed like he was being insensitive when I made a mistake. I made a lot of mistakes. He was always there to fix any mess up I created. Whether it be financially, or a home repair, I could always count on him. I used him as a safety net. I took him for granted. He had mentioned multiple times that it bothered him that we (Ben and I) always went to my mom, instead of him, for any type of emotional support. I rarely gave him the privilege of just being a dad. He was always worried about me and my constant mess ups. It got to the point where when I would call, he would answer with "What do you need." I really did take him for granted, but I did care about him. This kills me to say this, but I cannot honestly say that he knew I loved him. I hope he did, but I didn't do much to show him when I could. This rips me to pieces. I always did care for him, but didn't express it much, and I should have. If you have some one that you love and are constantly arguing with (like most families do), make sure they know how you truly feel because you may not get to tell them again. This is not something you want to live everyday with. It destroys me.

My mom was in Charlotte with Molly and Ben, for the birth of little Zoey. Sarah and I were going to head up there and my mom mentioned that I should call my dad and invite him to come. My dad was usually straight forward, and I thought if he wanted to go he would just tell me. I didn't call him. He may have said no, even if I would have asked him, but I didn't give him the chance. He didn't come up, didn't get to see Molly, Ben, and his new grand daughter. I feel like I denied them of getting to see him this one last time. What's worse, I gave up the one last opportunity I had to talk to him over the phone. I was never able to speak to him again. My heart breaks for my mom, Ben, Molly and Zoey as I feel personally responsible for this. I'm so sorry.

I feel like I've let my father down. I still keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. I wanted him to be proud of me, but I just never did anything to encourage it. I saw the way he lit up when talking about Ben, how he was at a great university, and was going to get a great job. Meanwhile, I'm stuck just getting by after dropping out of college and getting into debt. Luke was the only thing I felt I did that merited pride from my father. He loved Luke so much.. Luke loved him. I hate the fact that Luke will not get to experience life with him, and vice-versa. It upsets me so much and hurts my heart just to type it.

I know I usually have some message of hope or love to wrap up a post with. I don't this time. I don't have a chance at redemption this time. He's gone and I'll never be able to right these wrongs. I haven't been able to fix these feelings, and I deal with them EVERY DAY. I plead for resolution. I feel like my prayers are not being answered. Maybe I'm dealing with this wrong. The truth is, I don't know what to do. These thoughts rush though my head constantly. I replay the moment where I told Nanny and Papa at church in my head constantly. The despair, the hurt, the anguish on their faces, it tortures me constantly. I feel for them, as I do for everyone in my family. I know he meant a lot to all of you as well. My dad was an extremely smart man. I hope and pray that I can be even a fraction of what he was. I love you all.

"Dear Daddy, don't you miss me
Cause in Heaven there's no room for tears
I can feel you here
Now as I'm thumbing through the pages
Seems forever is just too far away
When we meet again
I'll remember when

Right in front of me
You disappeared
You're still vanishing
You left me here

I stand here today
So far from the same
It's hard to move on without you
So my God fill these spaces left in me
I'm so near to lost but I'm not
So near to lost but I'm not alone"

-Nine Lashes- "Afterglow"