Josh thought I should share my experience in running from a so called "calling" that has pursued me through the lips of individuals from the day i was "born again"....until now. So, briefly, here it goes:
People all around me still look at me and see a grown man of 36 years old running from a calling God has placed on my life to be in the ministry to some extent. I have been coaxed by my Mom, hinted at from my in-laws, prayed and prophesied over by several preachers/pastors (one of which is world renown and on TV to this day), encouraged along by college friends and teachers, even mentored by an evangelist himself while in college - the very man who founded and mentored Michael W. Smith, and even by people I work with. Talk about some pressure huh? Does that mean I'm called? My upbringing is a long-winded story. I come from a broken home. Dad played church with my Mom growing up and has nothing to do with it beyond a belief in a "God upstairs". My Mom was a very committed Christian, into charismatic churches, prophecy, spiritual gifts, and everything that comes along with it. To this day, she clings to these mysteries and plays the role of so many Christians who wait on God in order for Him to do something in their lives and/or to change them or their circumstances. My upbringing was filled with chaos, fights, cheating, a Mom who gave explanation to all things that happen in life through the eyes of a God described in the Bible...and her own human understanding. Me being the older son in the house, was slobbered over and repeatedly put on a high pedestal....she praised me continually. I grew up thinking life was explained in these books she read, the God she believed in, and the church she attended. So I too began to read and look and pray just like Mom.
I was told she committed me to the "Lord", and that there was a special calling on my life. Almost as if to make herself feel better about her own miserable existence she was going through. If her son went into the ministry and did mighty things for God, there would be a reason for the hell she was going through with my Dad. To this day, she tells me that I have a calling, I am going to do something special for the Kingdom, that it is important to carry on the spiritual heritage (the mantle)of generations past.
I grew up continually searching, wandering, wondering what all that meant. I scooted through high school wondering what to do with my life. No direction, no aim. The only meaning I could find was the meaning I thought the church and the Bible could give me. I played that roll into Jr. College getting my Associates Degree, still searching. I ended up going to school for a Biblical Studies degree and turning my search for meaning, truth, and fulfillment into pursuing the ministry. Doing my Mom proud. Proving my past wrong.
Two and a half years into speaking at youth groups, traveling around the States, speaking in Hawaii, Malta, visiting/studying in Israel, leading youth groups and helping start a college ministry....I was miserable. Was this what I was called to do? I was trying to counsel and preach to youth not far removed from myself, acting (and believing at the time) that I had all the answers, and I was completely still searching and battling all these things myself. I would go out with friends and evangelize on the streets, and come home depressed because nothing in me wanted to be doing this. It was my duty as a minister, and as a Christian, so I did it anyway.
I see a need for God to be viewed with a pure heart. I desire to know this God apart from what others have told me. I see that the ancient beliefs of this tribal God that we have to wait on and watch for and put up with can destroy people's lives. My Mother is still in the same house I grew up in, drenched in the same religious drama I was raised on, and she hasn't gone anywhere in her personal life. It has kept her stagnant for 20 something years. That's not the God I see, or want to know.
I grieve for people who view a Deistic God, a God "upstairs" who placed demands on humanity apart from our own desires and wills. A God who is in control of everything is a dangerous God to believe in. So....am I called? I yearn for people from time to time to know the God that can fill hearts, open minds, and remove the scales from eyes. Does that equate to ministry?
My life is my family. My meaning is bringing meaning to them. My task is to make a living and a home and a standard of living for them. Shouldn't that be my true calling? People shouldn't look to other people for life, meaning, truth, and ultimately answers. People should look within themselves. To the divinity that they came from - God Himself. Life itself. I'm really not sure God calls people. Not sure if I ever really had a call. I had a desire.
Leaving this all behind is EXTREMELY difficult. With people still telling me from time to time about this "call" it gets me seriously confused. I get very inwardly depressed about the possibility of missing it. That's my shortened version of my story, and I'm sticking with it. I'm a recovering religious fanatic who still wonders about the "calling".
(I do not own this photo, was taken from Gerarddirect.com)
Great post, a lot of insight that I didn't know about. I see this as a great struggle but ultimately, I believe there is only three possible outcomes: Either "the call" was real and you still haven't realized what it is you are suppose to do..or God either doesn't call people..or simply, God didn't call you. While any of these could be a possibility, only you can really figure it out. We can speculate about it, but we cannot determine what truth is in your heart. I do believe God calls people for certain things. I think perception of the call is the issue when dealing with this. We let our own desires and circumstances affect the outcome, distorting what it is we are suppose to be doing. This is extremely difficult, which is why people mess it up so often. Maybe you are right...Maybe God didn't personally call you to do what you were attempting to do...Maybe your upbringing and personal desires influenced you into believing that God did call you. Unfortunately, the answer is still confusing and the resolution is up in the air... What if you WERE called, and let your own, current issues, affect your perception of it......This is what I worry about when it comes to you. I just don't want you to live under the weight of all that regret if you some day realize it. I know I could be wrong about you, but it's just my opinion, obviously.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that it seems so confusing, is a clear indication that God did not "call " you in the sense that you mean. Scripture seems to reinforce this idea, because when God spoke to individuals He was both very clear and typically used specific details. When Jesus asked people to follow Him, He was very clear about what He meant. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I cannot think of a story in Scripture that relates God's call on someone in a confusing or muddled light.
ReplyDeleteThere is still the possibility that you are refusing God's call, but again I think that would be clear and obvious to both yourself and those closest to you. What's far more likely, is what Josh said: perception got in the way because of the sheer amount of influence you had in your life to pursue ministry as a profession. I've never been one to enjoy meeting what's "expected" of me, opting to do my own thing even if it turns out to be the same thing. I can only begin to fathom the levels of pressure in your life as a result of your connections.
Personally, I think that there is more than one call. The first is a general call to all Christians; have no other gods before God, and love your neighbors as yourself. Within that framework, there are other lessons like going to make disciples of all nations, or to take care of orphans and widows. These types of things all fall into that general Christian category. The second, and where the problem lies, is a more specific call, whether it's to minister to a church, or the homeless, or a remote people group in Asia.
See, because of the lack of differentiation it's very easy for young and passionate Christians to confuse the two. And because we live on the buckle of the Bible Belt, it only makes matters worse because we, more than most, place ministers and pastors on elegant lofty pedestals. So, our culture pushes people into those positions because they are respected and good, not because they are right.
My story is somewhat similar. I graduated with a B.S. in Christian Ministry, minored in youth ministry, worked for a short period as a youth leader, and have not worked in a church (for pay) since then. I've looked and tried, though admittedly without much gusto, but that door has remained shut. And yet, I still know that God has a specific plan for me, that He indeed has placed a call to minister on my life. Of course I've questioned it's authenticity. You can't rack up the debt I have without working in the field I earned it for and not question God's sanity. But every time I come back to knowing that God called me and still has a specific plan in mind.
I think what makes this more difficult, in relation to what you are saying Danny, Is that Chris is not the type to lean on scripture. Some people that may have felt "called" to serve the Lord, may also be of a more liberal, free will variety, not of the more legal, fundamentalist Bible reading sort...kind of confuses things further, actually. Problem is, if you do not lean on the Bible, it's harder to find answers to these type of issues. It makes it more difficult when you have to search and dig for the answer within yourself, instead of going by what others have wrote in a book about it.
ReplyDeleteIts not about being a fundamentalist and definitely not about being a legalistic. If you have no basis whatsoever in the Bible then how does anyone define God? If God is merely the summation of your personal experiences, then you should label yourself a Deist.
ReplyDeleteMy understanding is that Chris sees the Bible more as a book with relevant life lessons than as the inspired word of God, but even still does that make my assertion any less true?
Absolutely, if you don't regard the Bible as fact, just metaphoric, then it doesn't matter how God "called" people in said book. I wouldn't base my life and my decisions on a book I considered to be "just a good read, with a good morale lesson." I'm not sure what Chris labels himself...If it's Christian or Deist, I've never heard him be clear about it. I know he USE to associate himself as being a Christian, and I know he believes in God.
ReplyDeleteWow, you two gentleman gave me a lot to chew on and try to digest. I will do that soon when I have enough time. Thanks for responding.
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't have a Bible to explain your God, or a Bible to define your life and why you live and why you live it....what in the world would you do? What kind of relationship with the Creator would you have if all of that was taken from you? Paul explained that mankind has no excuse to not know God because why? Because CREATION (aka nature) reveals it to him. The Bible is amazing, it has so many great stories, so many thought provoking proverbs and teachings from Paul and Jesus. With that being said, I can't believe in the innerancy of it, and thus, can't describe everything I think, feel, and the way I view life through the lense of scripture. I looked up Deism and it is an interesting belief. I wonder if either of you two have looked it up and thought about what it all is about? Reason. Using our God given reason.
ReplyDeleteDanny you brought up some very good and thought provoking things for me. You are right, you can't look at how God or Jesus called people and question if they were called or not. When God called people, they knew it. I believe that most people who are "called" nowadays for the ministry have no business being in it. Like you said, it is a sort of rock star mentality that ministers today get. Delusions of grandeur if you will. I really wonder if it's a bunch of people (not all by all means) who use the ministry to cover up their sin and who weren't able to make it doing anything else. All those issues were my issues I've discovered. So yes, I dealt with wanting to be big stuff and not accept the real responsibility of being normal, earning a living, and finding a career. Again, there are a lot of ministers who belong where they are, I just really see myself as taking my issues of the past and using the ministry to cover up my character flaws and to boost my ego. So there.
I really think that we learn about ourselves and this God through experience. Everyone has their own experience. I don't have yours, you dont' have mine. I'm not wrong, and neither are you guys or anyone else. The reason we aren't wrong is because this is our experience, our journey, and it is what works for us. Our truth and way of connecting with God is what drives us - anchors us. The word of God is an anchor for our soul doesn't necessarily mean the Bible. It's the word of God in us. That is our anchor. That is what I have realized through this whole wrestling match with God and the Bible and the calling stuff. We all have our path. We all need to grow to maturity. These are all steps in that direction to spiritual maturity. Truth is in the perfect balance of the scales that we weigh these topics and ideas of God on.
You are also right about the different calls. We all have ultimately one true calling. It was written that Jesus gave his disciples only one commandment: Love one another. That fulfills everything right? If reason serves me right (like the Deist I am labeled to be) then that should solve all of our debates and questioning. If what we say, do, believe in....ultimately how we live - if all of that is done in love, than there is nothing else to worry about. That is our calling. In that calling, we are truly sons of our Father. Sorry, I started preaching and not even sure if I'm on topic! Thanks you two, I feel better processing this stuff out loud. Well, on the blog anyway.
Great reply Chris. I actually don't have anyting to continue with. I found that response to be one of the best you've ever given. Kudos.
ReplyDelete