My Wife, My Love

My wife and I are about to celebrate our fourth anniversary on June 29th. Since I will be working the next few days, and will otherwise be busy, I decided to go ahead and write a little something about my wife. Much like my kids, my wife is of great importance to me. Decisions are made day in and day out, but I never have, nor ever will, regret the decision to marry her. We have been through a lot already, but with our best years ahead of us, we will press on into happiness for as long as God sees fit to keep us here.

To Sarah, my Life and my Love:
           I was in a weird place in my life before I met you. You grounded me. I knew that you were something special after our very first date. Completely opposite of what I was use to, you were like a ray of sunshine making it's way through a dense canopy to reach a lone flower on a forest floor. I knew that I could trust you immediately. I knew that you wouldn't hurt me on purpose, or play games when feelings were on the line. It didn't take long for me to realize that I wanted to spend my life with you. I proposed to you, after a glass of 20$ glass of scotch for nerve, in front of a fireplace in a Scottish bar in Savannah, Georgia.  I knew you would say yes, but the thought of you saying no haunted me, and I couldn't see moving forward with you holding my hand. Since then, we have had two beautiful children, two stupid dogs, a house, and a ton of memories.  I find it amazing that we have molded so well onto one another. We get a long so well for the most part, and rarely have any issue that a couple of hours couldn't fix. I was a fragment of a man when I met you. I had no perception of what I was suppose to be. Lack of direction, lack of faith, lack of morals, not necessarily a person worth any interest. You saw something though. You saw what I could be and what I would be. I found foundation in you. I built my person upon the way you made me to be. I knew that the changes I was making were making a difference and were good. You stuck beside me during times of questioning my faith. You constantly reminded me what it was like to be in touch with God. I saw God working in you, and your patience and prayers never ceased for me. I came around and I thank God that he saw fit to bring you into my life. You are the single, most caring person I have ever met. You always think of the kids and me first. You would do anything for us, regardless of the circumstances. This not only makes you the best wife and mother, but it makes you a great human being. My soul is connected to yours. I feel pain when you do, I feel happiness when you do. I want, with every single fiber of my being, to make you never regret the day that you met me. Your sweet and gentle spirit grows and cares for me, like water to a starving plant. I love the way you take interest in the things that I like. You never complain when I watch sports, even though you typically could care less. You put up with my "screaming music," never once telling me to change the song or put on something else. I've literally played Call of Duty for four hours straight and never heard a peep out of you to turn it off. You truly know how to be the light of my life and I'm getting fonder of you every single second of every day. I know I can always count on you because you are my best friend as well. The way you hold it together when the kids are screaming and your day has been horrible, speaks volumes to the type of person you are. You are an everlasting flame in my heart and I hope that others can see how madly in love I am with you. I hope that when we are old, you won't think it is silly when I still want to hold your hand. I hope that when the time comes, that I go before you, because I don't want to know what it's like to be here without you. If you do go before me, I hope that you will tell God "thank you" from me personally, and that every second was the most beautiful second that we got to spent together. You, and us, are true proof that God creates masterpieces.  I love my kids, but you were first, and always will be.
With every string of my heart,
Josh

The Father's Day Post

 

This Father's Day has brought up a lot of feelings and emotions that I don't normally think about on this holiday. If we are all being honest, Father's Day is usually a second hand holiday that most people don't care a lot about, or celebrate because they feel guilty that Mom got a day. Moms usually take most of the adoration, and rightfully so, but I do feel that Dad can go under appreciated most of the time. Dad is always there, but usually in the background, keeping things going and trying to provide a good life for the family. Typically, Dad isn't the emotional support machine that Mom is, and this leads to a stronger feeling of connectedness to her. I think most people take Dad for granted because I know that I did. If you read this blog regularly, you already know the regrets and feelings I have for my, now deceased, father. I will not bother you with this again, but it ties in nicely to this opening paragraph and what I'm trying to convey to you. Give your dad a hug this Father's Day and really let him know how much you truly love him because, as cliche as it is, you may not get the chance to next year. I won't get to experience Father's Day with him tomorrow, but you may be able to with your dad, so enjoy every single second of it.
Changing aspects, I, as you know, am a father of two now. I think about them the absolute majority of my day, everyday. When I became a dad, I truly didn't know what it meant. I was worried, sure, but I never thought I could love someone as much as I do my children. Everyone says this, for the most part, but I feel a carnal fear and anxiety, that goes with eternal love. I worry that my mistakes will hurt them now and in the future. I fear that I might do something to stunt their growth, in any measure. When I'm tired and out of patience, I get cold and I feel horrible about it. Maybe my son wants to through the baseball, but I cannot (or will not) muster the strength to do it and I can see the disappointment in his eyes. This kills me. It seems little, maybe even insignificant, but every time my children feel anything other than happiness I feel as if I have let them down personally. This is true love. Knowing that you will fail at times, but still trying as hard as you can just to make someone happy is what love is all about. When my son hugs me, and I can feel him clench the back of my shirt with his tiny hands as if he isn't sure he'll ever get to hold me again, it can destroy every single thought and worry I have about anything else in this world.
I just read a novel called "The Road" by Cormac Mccarthy, and subsequently, watched the movie. If you have a son, this is a book I would absolutely recommend. Without going to deep into it, father and son are trying to keep alive, years after some type of apocalyptic event occurred. There is no food. No animals. People have turned into cannibals and the world is completely covered in ash and hopelessness. This father does everything he can possibly do, for years, to keep his son alive at any cost. His son is scared and helpless, but dad presses on trying to keep hope alive in this dead world. This book made me cry. I can't imagine having to go through something like this with my son, but I would handle it accordingly. I would do anything necessary to provide for my son in a situation like that, or any, for that matter.
You see, I use to think that Father's Day was a day for others to thank their dads for being their dads. For the most part, it is about appreciation for the dads around the world who do what they can for their families. But I've had a deeper realization: Father's Day is a day to thank God and be grateful for the BLESSING that is being a father. I feel so fortunate just to be able to look at my kids sleeping, to watch them do anything. I don't need to be appreciated for doing something I love doing with my entire heart, and nothing less. I feel the need to praise the Lord and recognize my blessing as being one of the greatest blessing that could be bestowed upon us humans.
I love you Luke Jameson and Emery Claire. My heart is nothing without your blood running through my veins. My brain is garbage without your thoughts and memories to be remembered. You two are my soul, and absolute proof that God exists, and He is good.

1K+ views here at The Fire, The Flames. Thanks!

Thought I would let you guys know that this blog now has well over 1000 hits. I didn't really think that it would take off like it has, but I appreciate all of you guys that are reading this. I know to some people/bloggers 1000+ views isn't a big deal, but considering the topics discussed here, I feel it to be a success. So, again, thank you guys for being with me on this trip of self exploration and soul seeking.

Since starting this blog, I have had beautiful daughter brought into this world, Emery Claire. I have also been hired on permanently at my employer, receiving better pay and benefits, among other things. My favorite CD has been Haste the Day's "Attack of the Wolf King," from which I have drawn a ton of inspiration from. I have also found major inspiration from The Un-learning blog from the guys from Emery. Conversations with friends have also played a huge role in the search for answers, and how to deal with them once they are uncovered.

We are all blessed. We are all loved. We are all children of the same Father.
**EDIT** Just to let you guys know, United States leads the way in readership, but amazingly, Russia and Germany are way up there in the number of hits as well. It boggles my mind that you guys are reading this in other countries ( Pakistan, United Kingdom, and others). Rock on!***
God Bless,
Josh

When The Debate turns into an Issue

I'm guilty. I like to have a good debate with others, about varying topics and issues. I think this is normal and most people like challenging others to prove their views. I, personally, find out a lot about my own feelings when I'm put to the test in backing them up in a debate. Usually, you can find out what people are truly passionate about in their defense of it in an argument. People aren't going to typically give a lot of effort or time into debating topics they don't care about. I do my absolute best to respect the opinions of others. I find myself giving major props to those who defend their viewpoint adamantly, whether I believe it is right or wrong. If you cannot show a person why you believe in what you believe in, chances are that it's not that big of a deal to you.

Now, let us take a look as to what can happen when we do not keep our pride in check. I'm going to concentrate on issues that cannot be definitively described as right or wrong; Subjective to the person, if you will. Most people debate things based on opinions. Things that are blatant facts typically aren't discussed because they are mostly proven one way or the other. If we are debating an opinion, why do we dress them as facts? Think about this. Is it really because you are so smart that you know your opinion to be factual, regardless that it hasn't been proven that way by experts? I feel that is more likely that we are so abrasive with our opinions because we like to put others down. We want to know that we are right and someone else is wrong. This, in a way, proves our self worth. In order for us to be right, someone else has to be wrong. This means we have it figured out. We are smarter, and our ways are justified because of this.

This is pride at it's finest. We don't want to accept that we could be wrong about something so we cram our own opinions, even if we know they aren't right, down others throats just so we can save face. You may hurt them, or even convince them they are wrong, just so that you can be right about something. This isn't just mean, it's a classic case of not respecting and loving thy neighbor. You are intentionally trying to hurt someone, by proving them wrong and making them question their own heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to not express your opinion or defend it to the death if you truly feel that it is wrong. My point is this: Express it as your feelings or opinion, in a respectful way, as to not hurt others in the process. Let me give you some example of some issues I hear tossed around and what I'm trying to say about debating them.

Homeschooling
A. Homeschooling is just wrong. It deprives kids of social skills and blinds them to the real world.
B. Homeschooling is the only way. Public schools are awful and you are a bad parent if you put your kids through that.
Opinions that can be hurtful to others, but unnecessarily so. Think about it. A debate can be had here. Just say this:
A. I feel that homeschooling is not the answer for my kids. I feel they will blossom more in a social environment, such as our district school.
B. I feel that homeschooling is the way for my family. I like to be in control of what my kids learn and feel like it's less distracting than putting them in a school.
See the difference here?

Vaccines
A. Vaccines are horrible. Poison! They are putting chemicals in your body that are doing more harm than good. Only idiots would do this! Look at the Ingredients.
B. You are irresponsible if you don't vaccinate your children. You must like for them to suffer from sicknesses that are easily preventable. Only a fool wouldn't take care of their children.
Okay:
A. I've done research and feel that the ingredients used in vaccines may do more harm than good to my children.
B. I've done research and I feel that vaccines are an easy and effective way to prevent illnesses in my children.

I could give other examples, such as: Nutrition/Diet, Environmental issues, Politics, and Religion, but I feel you understand my point here.

See how replacing "Are"/"Isn't" with "Feel"/"May" changes the tone of the debate? You are truly discussing the issue at this point. These things are subjective, open your ears and listen for once! I've learned many things from debating others. Some times I change my perspective when I find an alternative answer to what I was seeking. This is a great way to learn and fellowship with others. Why ruin it with hate and pride?