Proof that I kinda suck at this blog thing.

Sometimes I get frustrated when it comes to this blog. Honestly, I want people to read it, relate to it, and discuss it with each other. While I know this is a hard thing to request, given the busy nature of our lives, I felt that I could accomplish it to some degree. I've failed though, and I would be lying to say it's not disheartening at times. I spend a lot of time and effort into articulating my opinions and thoughts in the best way possible, as to reach as many as I can, in hopes of bringing all types of believers into the same room. This doesn't work, though, as most people are so set into their own ideas and just butt heads or ignore the issue altogether.

I admit that I look at the statistics of the website from time to time to see the views and such, with the hope of heavier readership each time. In doing so, I have come to a few realizations that I would like to share with you guys. First, this blog is well over 2000 views, and for that I am appreciative. Second, I care too much about how many views this blog has, and it's caused me to miss the mark on what I've truly set out to do, which is to be honest and real. I think this is indicative of human nature. We all want our opinions to matter to others, maybe even help shape their own. We, well most of us, want to feel like we are contributing something good to this diseased world.

You see, this is where I've missed the mark. I have a ton of honest and real opinions on my faith, this world, and more, but I censor myself for various reasons. Whether it is due to family judgement, or a greater fear of people misunderstanding my heart, I scale back my true feelings on some topics, even omitting them from this blog entirely. Why? It is my blog, right? We care so much about what others think about us. This, though, has been a disservice to you guys, this forum, and most of all, myself. I started this blog, as I've stated multiple times, as a place to discuss the hard issues, and non-issues, in Christianity and in live in general. I wanted to give alternative input and ideas that show that not all Christians are judgmental, selfish, misguided people. I built the foundation for such a place, but then failed myself when I worried selfishly about being judged and labeled misguided.

I've been known to stir the pot with my thoughts on certain subjects. The truth is, there is so much more to me and my faith that no one sees, and that is my fault. I should be posting more of those types of thoughts, instead of shying away from people, notably, my family. So, I'm faced with a decision as to what to do with this blog going forward. I could stop writing, fade into the back ground and just shake my head in quite protest when I disagree with someones take on God and how to live our lives. I could do the opposite, and post with completely no concern as to what others may think.

I usually think the most about taking the easy way out and putting an end to this blog. Interestingly enough, though, something usually occurs that pushes me in the other direction. Mostly, it's interactions with everyday people that influence my thoughts here. I see so many people, with the most superficial understanding of God and life, making the most bold and absurd statements, chastising and isolating others for feeling differently than they do. I see the hate that the everyday church has for people that don't put money into their collection plates every Sunday. I see how a lot of Christians focus on bogus stuff that doesn't matter in the long run. Instead of growing in our love for each other, and our Father, we would rather discuss stupid stuff like how swearing and drinking are terrible. Look, I came to one of the clearest revelations in my life, holding a beer and having the simplest of conversations with a few guys. People want to harp on these meaningless, trivial things, when people are truly hurting out there, you know, in the real world. I would venture to say that none of this crap matters, that in the great scheme of things, all that matters is our love and relationship with God. This is what typically keeps me motivated to carry on. I want people to know that not all Christians are narrow-minded, selfish, intellectually inferior sheep. Some of us think for ourselves. We reach out to God on our own accord, not because we are told that we should. I don't need the Bible, The Book of Mormon, or the church at all to tell me that there is a God and how I should live. I believe one of the most famous contributors to the Bible stated that there isn't an excuse to not know God exists. Open your eyes, it's all around us. This is my foundation.

Will I continue this blog? I'm not sure. Maybe my point of view is best reserved for private conversations with other like-minded people. Maybe I'll come back on here tomorrow and post more openly, without fear of judgment. I just want to make sure I'm true to my beliefs and purpose, and continue or not for the right reason. I'll pray and search for the answer, but in the interim, I hope you guys know I love you, and I'm still here to talk whenever needed.

The Suburban Nightmare

It's a beautiful Saturday morning. You wake up to sun gently warming the side of your face. You take a shower, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, as you do every morning. The kids and your husband are watching cartoons on that new 60 inch TV that you guys purchased a few weeks ago. What to do today? Maybe get everyone together and go out to eat, then the mall? Maybe a movie? You check show times on your i-phone. You decide to just figure something out on the fly and round everyone up. You wrangle them into your Yukon XL and smile, looking and reflecting on your beautifully landscaped yard and home. Life is great, except that it isn't really. There is a silent killer, lurking in the shadows of your personal life that has you pinned to the floor by the throat. It's crushing you and your family, yet you press forward, ignoring it and keeping it quite from friends and love ones.

I was reading the guest post by Marla and it stirred up some complicated feelings that are some times hard to communicate. Money causes all kinds of problems. Greed, materialism, narcissism, and pride are a few examples of things that are exacerbated by the presence of money. I want to talk about something else, for the most part, that many struggle with, including myself: debt.

We, unfortunately, live in a society where it's normal and accepted to be in some form of debt. Car payments, house payments, credit cards, and the like are considered commonplace.  Credit is easy to get and easy to abuse. The main issue isn't necessarily our income, but the way we spread our debts as close as we possibly can to our income limit. We leave little to no room for accidents or emergencies, and when these things come up, like they always do, we get behind on payments. One thing leads to another, circumstances collapse on top of you, and the next thing you know you are facing the possibility of losing your home or vehicles.

Why do we do this? I, for one, am extremely bad at managing money. I don't balance a checkbook, and I rarely check my bank account outside of major purchases. This should be an easy thing to do right? Why are people going out to eat four times a week when they cannot pay their car payments? Let's dig in deeper for these answers, because I don't believe it's just because we are stupid.

Debt is an integrity issue. It is a direct result of a lack of responsibility, which can be attributed to ones moral character. Sometimes I know I can't pay something, but I'll still buy my kids new clothes or take them to the zoo. You see, I suffer from this issue from a few different aspects. I make a good living where I work, however, I always spend to that margin, if not over, on a consistent basis. We, as a family, have been battling to correct this over the last few years, but do still slip up from time to time. But why are we, and any of you for that matter, dealing with this so frequently?

When I lived with my parents, I considered the money that I had to be cherished and a privileged. Usually, I got money from either doing chores, or by the good nature of my folks. I didn't spend it on just anything, and I knew that I would have to answer for it if I blew it and didn't have enough money for gas for my car. I respected the people who gave it to me, and that instilled a sense of responsibility for me to do the right thing.

I think the fundamental issue with this is not respecting the money as a gift from God. I know some of you are sitting here shaking your heads, saying that you earned that money, not God, and that you are an adult. We do earn our money by working, but God gives us that ability and the blessings that come with it. Respect the Father, be responsible with the money.

I know of some family members and some friends that have dealt with this issue, and I know there are some of you out there dealing with it now, including myself. It's really difficult to talk about, due to the constant scrutiny that comes with people knowing you have "money issues." It's sad when family and friends talk about you behind your back instead of engaging you in a direct conversation, and this leads to embarrassment, which often leads to ignoring the problem altogether. We should be encouraging each other through positive, meaningful dialect, instead of jumping at the chance to feel superior to others when ever the opportunity arises. Debt is the main issue, and it is our fault, but the embarrassment, constant lecturing and demeaning comments do nothing but hurt the person you are trying to help. Some people struggle with money, like others struggle with alcohol or smoking. We all have our deficiencies.

It's hard dealing with the uncertainty of, what feels like, insurmountable debt. While most people want to rectify the problem, some people just don't have the mental tools to solve the issue. Some people lean on family to help them make it through. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and while God may not be visible, he is walking beside you, guiding you there. Trust in him to help you find clarity and answers in these convoluted times and you will be rewarded when you finally climb out of that giant hole you dug for yourself.

We've been though, or are going though, it all when it comes to finances, and I'm here to talk with anyone who may be facing these issues. There is always someone to talk to, don't deal with the stress alone.

Tears, A Dark Room, and No One's Attention

So, I'm sitting here at 3:40am on a Monday morning and feel compelled to write this entry. I'm listening to a great "Christian band" and the lead singer is almost pleading for someone to care and love him. This kind of stuff really hurts my heart. As I grow in the Love of the Lord, it destroys me when I see others in a bad place. I used to not care. Man I long for the days when I didn't care sometimes. These things create a burden on me that I feel provoked to address and sometimes it consumes my entire attention.

See, when you simply don't care, life is easier. It's easy to be selfish.

I know what it's like to feel negative about myself. I know what it's like to be lonely. I know what it's like to hate everything. I think most people have been through some sort of downward spiral, in which, they didn't see any hope.

Abandon all hope.

Isn't this exactly what God doesn't want you to do? The fact is, some people just cannot press on in adversity, and they may actually need help. HUH? Someone might actually need our help? Is it possible to stop what you are doing for five seconds to care about some one's aching soul?

The answer is yes.

While I'm guilty of oversight when it comes to the spiritual and mental decay of others, I don't want to be that way any longer. If I feel or think something may be wrong, I honestly want to help, if I can. Please don't mistake this as me being "all knowing" or "spiritually advanced", because I'm neither of those things. I just simply don't want others to hurt in silence. As a recipient of God's unbelievably undying love, I know what hope is, and it endures.

Over the last year, through tremendous amounts of stress and adversity, I've mostly managed to keep my head on and lean on Him. This concept has taken me forever to grasp, but finally, I feel the touch of His outstretched hand when I reach out. There is no need for people to live in pain and hurt. Our love for one another and our love in God, should be used to help the ailing. It doesn't matter what the reason for the hurt is. It's never stupid if it causes pain. We are incredibly sensitive beings. God created us with the amazing ability to feel every spectrum of emotion, so that we would know the highs after experiencing the lows.

My friends, not to sound cliche, but the door is seriously always open. Even if we haven't gotten along in the past, I will do my best. I may not have all the answers, but I will do what I can to support and heal any affliction that's harming you.

In the past few months, I've had a few different people contribute to this blog. I'm always amazed when they ask me to post here. It's exactly what I hoped for when starting this blog. I wanted a forum where people could discuss these things openly, come out of the silence and be with others who are willing and ready to assist in any way they can. Every time I think about quitting this blog, something happens that rekindles the flame, whether it be a push from God, or someone telling me that it's helped them. I'll carry on, and I hope that this will truly accomplish something, and all for the glory of our Creator.

Don't ever think that your situation is too personal or too ridiculous to seek the fellowship of others. As Christians, we should be holding each other up, not tearing each other down in judgement. More people are catching on to this, as it is the way it should be. I've done horrible things, and still do from time to time, but my sins are no worse than yours, and vice-versa. We are equals and it's time we treat each other that way so that others don't have to suffer in silence. Get off your righteous throne and mingle with the sinners. No one is below God's love.

Josh

"God, we'd give anything just to feel safe
Deep down, we all know our worth
We just need someone to truly love us first
So we tip toe around these crowded rooms
Hoping someone in attendance might be able to dress our wounds
We cry without uttering a single word
So gather close, circle round
Cause maybe you've just never heard
And I'll tell you the story of the Love I've found
About the Truth embedded in you long before your birth
I'll ask once more
What are these words worth"

Being As An Ocean- "Nothing, Save The Power They're Given"

For Love and Money by Marla

Another great post from a friend, and one we can certainly relate to. Read, reflect, and react.

For Love and Money…

1 Timothy 610 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

    Recently, I have been drifting further away from God and I have been having a miserable time with myself.  I knew that my heart was not in the right place, something was very wrong.  I would pray and ask for strength and guidance, but I had not really opened my eyes as to what the wedge between me and my savior was made of.  Of course, I knew that I had put the wedge there.  Whenever we feel distance from God, it is because we have pulled away.   I had dropped off going to church because (insert whatever excuse you like here) and since I wasn’t attending church, I stopped tithing and stopped studying the word.  My heart wasn’t in it.  Why not?

Matthew 6 19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

    I realized just in the past few days that I had succumb to the idea that is constantly being forced down all our throats.  This idea that if you had this or that, then you would be happy.  We live in a consumer driven society, it is all around us.  No big deal, right?  Except when you accept that they are right.  If you had a beautiful home, a new car or that phone that you would be all big-white-smiles like the people in the ads.  For women, I think it is even tougher.  Advertisers are pitching us our perfect selves with flawless skin, lush hair and long lashes.  All of this is readily available if we are willing to shell out the cash.  Then all we need is to fit the gym, eat clean and lose those extra ten pounds and then we will be happy.  Right?  Right? 

    It turns out that if you keep searching for happiness in a purchase, the mirror or in your home you will come up empty-handed every time.  And all those let downs, one after another, will leave you depressed, disheartened and disenchanted.  That is where I am, disenchanted with the things of this world.  I am ready to cut the cord with all this stuff and refocus. 
Titus 2  You, however, must teach what is appropriate with sound doctrine. 2 Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
    One thing that my grandmother has taught me is to ask yourself ‘do I need this?’  I know that I lie to myself from time to time.  “I need new work clothes.  They are for work.  I need them.”  But more often than not, what I need is nothing.  I just don’t want to need nothing, I want things.  So, as part of my effort to refocus my mind and eyes on God, I am going to be more honest with myself.  I am making a list of things that are actually important.  My list will include things like; going to church, tithing, reading the bible, spending time with my family and spending quiet time on my own.

 I am going to practice a little self-control.  I am going to make an effort to derail my weaknesses.  For example, I am scaling back on surfing the Internet/shopping online.  It is way too easy for me to do and I find things I didn’t even know that I wanted, let alone need.  I am going to pray about my purchases.  I read a blog one time in which the woman prayed before she went shopping for something that she actually needed.  If it feels dumb to pray about it, it is probably not important and not a ‘need’.  I am also going to purge some excessive luxuries from my home and donate them to Goodwill.  Hopefully, they will benefit someone in need. 

“And the merchants of the earth grew rich from her excessive luxuries.”

I hope that through these actions; through prayer, tithing, studying the word and actively disengaging (to some degree) from the money machine that we all live in that I will find that the hole that I built in my heart will be filled once more with love.  I know that it will, because I can already feel it.  I am on the right track.