When I was in high school, I was a pretty good guy. I didn't drink, smoke, or have sex. I was active in my church and rarely hung out with people who weren't also good Christians. I stayed out of bad situations and was mostly positive and optimistic about my future. It wasn't until I graduated when I really started getting into different things and being more careless with my time and money. When I was 19, I started working at -redacted- out at the mall. I became extremely vain with my appearance and my friends. I saw drugs being done in the bathroom during work, by managers nonetheless. Everyone would go out downtown, or go to house parties and other clubs/pool halls. The first beer that I ever had out in public was at a pool hall, after one of my managers bought it for me after representing me as one of his college friends. They didn't card me, and I was drinking and hanging out with all these attractive women two years before my 21st birthday. This started a really bad trend for me. I could go out, drink a lot, hang out with "hot" girls, and that's all I really cared about. On my 20th birthday, I went to -redacted-, a local beer and wings place with "pretty" waitresses. I flirted with our server to the point were she knew I wasn't 21, but she didn't care because I was showing her interest. I learned at that moment that I could use my "swagger" and looks to manipulate people. Now, keep in mind, I'm not saying that I'm a model or anything, alcohol just brings out a confidence that women seem to like at bars and such. I drove home that night and my mom was furious that they served me drinks without carding me. I didn't think it was a big deal, of course, because I felt invincible.
This all lead to a critical mistake the summer before my 21st birthday. With my obsession with vanity, I only saw things on a superficial level. Likewise, while my heart was aching for a meaningful relationship, all I kept going for were girls just like me. I met a girl at a club in Myrtle Beach on a family vacation. She was attractive and very confident in herself, causing me to get wrapped up in her and losing focus on everything else. She lived in a different state, so this posed a problem for the future of our relationship after vacation. However, we decided to continue to try to keep it going after she went back up, which lead to her cheating on me in the first month of our "relationship." After being mad about it for a little while, I forgave her, and we continued to see each other. I would go up there for a week at a time, she would come down here as well. We finally ended up getting engaged. She was from a well to do family and I, well, didn't really have much money. I changed the way I did things, from hanging out with friends (she was jealous, even when she was four states away) to even changing the way I was with my family. My family and friends hated her. They tried to be supportive, but I ignored all the warnings and advice because I knew it all and didn't need their two cents. After a few months of going back and forth with a very insecure relationship, things started spiraling out of control. I thought we were suppose to be settling down, but she kept going out to the bars and clubs, hanging out with people she had slept with before and expecting me to just get over it. We finally gave up on the relationship after multiple other "cheating" incidents and a difference in opinion as to what grown ups should be like. She was the first person I had sex with frequently, out of marriage, and only the second person I had ever had sex with period. You can see how this lead to a break down in my life.
Now emotionally scarred, with a gaping hole in my heart and self confidence, I searched for filler. I got a good job, and was still living at home so I had a ton of disposable money. I started going to bars and clubs 3-4 times a week. It was nothing for me to spend 200$ a night on alcohol alone. It was all about drinking and being seen. I was obsessed with going out and looking for girls to hook up with. This lead to multiple bad decisions, which I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on further. The worst of it was that I drove home every single time. I put my life and the life of others in danger every single time I took to the wheel of my car. I didn't care about anything. I was so selfish and I desperately wanted to be drinking and partying every moment of free time I had. I have so many disturbing stories of nights out that I could fill a hundred page book easy.
Here's where the story of redemption begins. After realizing I wasn't going to find what I needed in a bar or club, I decided to take another route. I met my wife through online dating. She was a lot different from what I was used to, but in a good way. I stopped going out all the time just to drink and meet people. We still went out, and I would drink, but it was more about conversation and relaxation, not about needing to fill a hole. I had went through a few years of a spiritual void, to the point were I actually didn't believe in it at all. After I got married and had our first baby, things completely changed for me (See other blog posts for specifics).
I don't want to use this post as a forum to lecture about any certain topic. I want you guys to just see where I am coming from and some of the stuff I have went through. I don't believe drinking is wrong, although I do believe it is reckless and inconsiderate to drink to a certain degree now. I don't drink that often now, but when I do I typically don't get drunk any more. I know some of you reading this think that is wrong. That's Okay, you are entitled to feel that way. Drinking wasn't my issue, it was having a void in my heart that I was filling with the wrong stuff, such as drinking and women. I was seeking for an answer using the wrong questions. I now know that what I was missing was a steady foundation in my faith in the Lord. My life is a lot better now, not perfect, that I've got my heart in a better place. My job, my wife, my kids are all products of this.
The road may be bumpy, but the signs are there if you are going in the right direction.
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