A Nightmare of a Lesson

Since I was young, I've always had a curiosity for the odd, strange, and unknown. Things that would normally creep others out, I found interesting and wanted to explore the whats, whys, and hows about them. This wasn't limited to just paranormal encounters, as I enjoyed to push my brain into finding out why people are the way they seem, especially mental acuity and aspects of the soul. I say these things as a preface to why I'm writing this particular post: I have nightmares. Often.

Now, normally, I usually just shake them off and go back to sleep. Usually, I can account for almost every minute detail, as these dreams are very vivid and unnervingly realistic. I think about writing them down, but I usually give way to the idea that they are pointless. Sometimes, however, certain nightmares will dig deep into my consciousness, leaving me with the distinct feeling that I should be paying attention to the reason I'm having them.  I'm going to relive the one I just had, in order to do just that, in hopes that writing it out can help me make sense of it all.

I went to bed at 2am this morning. I woke up gasping for air, as if someone replaced all the oxygen in the room with despair and I was choking on it. I looked at the clock. 5:27am. I did not go back to sleep. It's currently 7am.

******

Everything is white. Snow covers all that it can touch for what seems like eternity. The wind is biting, and we approach a small log structure, in what appears to be the middle of the deep woods. I dig out a foxhole of sorts, to put us below the howling wind and hopefully be able to rest. My wife, two kids, and I lay under an assortment of blankets and makeshift tarps, as close as we can to each other. Whatever happened to our home, this world, was in the back of our minds as all we had room for was desperation.

It was understood that we could not go into the cabin. The sky was as dull as the steel door that adorned the one entry point into the building. No windows, no markings of any sort. We had heard of this place before. Call it an urban legend, superstition, or whatever, it was known as a place of torment. I'm not sure if it was haunted or possessed, but it's presence unnerved me. Rumor had it that it was dark and lonely, with a permanently burning candle on the one piece of furniture in the place, a table.  Next to the candle, supposedly, there would be a pistol.

Normally, given the conditions, we would have just went in anyways, but we remained about thirty feet away in our hole. Being so close to this place really bothered my mind. My hands were shaking, not from the bitter cold, but from the uneasy feeling that was running through my veins.

Then it happened.

My wife stood up, and starred at me. Her eyes. Once green and vibrant, were lifeless and frigid. She speaks softly, telling me that it was stupid for us to be out here. That this has to end, it's too much to handle. She starts climbing up and out of our hole. I yell at her to come back, that we need her. WE need her, I say, pointing out the sleeping kids. She carries on. Tears feel like they freeze coming down my face, but I do not move. I keep begging her to stop. I hear the door open, then shut with a heart dropping thud.

A few hours later, as the kids wake up, I pack all of our stuff, and we press on. We walk about fifteen feet before I hear the gunshot. My son asks were mommy went. I tell him that she is a coward, and she has went to be with all of the rest of them.

******

The way I see it, there are maybe three possible explanations for this dream. I will detail each one, but please remember that this was a dream and not an indication of my wife in any way. I believe her role in this dream was to really make this hit home for me, as she is the most important thing to me, outside of my kids.

First, It could be that I have a fear of losing my wife. All that she does, and how she loves my family and I, would be irreplaceable.  I cannot imagine life without her, which would explain the fear this dream creates in me.

Secondly, and more superficially, maybe it has to do with being afraid of a world ending event. We've all seen the shows and read the books. Who knows what it will be like. I know I shouldn't be concerned with it, but subconsciously, maybe I am.

Lastly, I would like to dive deeper into this, and give you my personal thoughts as the the meaning of this nightmare. I see a family. It could be any family in anywhere USA. Everyone thinks they are strong and happy, except maybe they aren't. Maybe, one person is really dealing with some difficult mental issues, even if it isn't apparent to the others. Do we really try to dig and help others that are hurting? Do we really care to even notice?

I believe it could really be all three scenarios, but I would also add that I don't think the cabin was real in the dream. Think about it: we were in a desperate situation, with nowhere to turn and no explanation. The cabin represented relief, a way out. A metaphor for suicide. One burning candle that goes out with the bang of the gun.

In the wake of Robin Williams death, I found myself saying what I normally do when someone decides to end their own life: "What a coward. Selfish. What about their family."  I realize, That maybe this was a wake up call.

People are quick to judge the action, but evade responsibility for helping those who are in need. Some Christians add insult to injury by putting eternal damnation on that person's soul. Why are we ignoring the fact that people have real issues, that depression is a major problem that most are unwilling to accept. "Oh, it's just mental thing, they can get over it if they wanted to." WRONG. Some can't, and we should be the first in line to help heal, support, and pray for them.

Some people experience a loss of self. A loss of importance. A loss.

Maybe, we are the cowards for not allowing our hearts to see this suffering.

The Challenge, The Reward.

      The other day, Sarah and I were having a serious discussion about our financial goals, leaving us frustrated and annoyed.  I was extremely upset with myself as I struggled to push my understanding of money responsibility to a point of clarity that I haven't been able to reach yet in my life. I've been praying and pontificating over these issues for a while and it finally hit a pinnacle at that moment. I put my face in my palms and tried to keep it together, but something unexpected happened. It was a simple, honest, gentle answer to my problems, the answer to a question I wasn't asking.
What happened caught me by surprise. 

      As I sat there boiling with anger, my daughter waddled over to me and laid her head on my knee. She stared at me with those big blues, she smiled and proceeded to melt my heart away. I wasn't asking the right questions. Better yet, I wasn't SEEKING the right solutions. It is always about what we can afford, what we should and shouldn't spend money on, how to resolve financial obligations we have made. I needed help. Except, I really didn't. 

     The answer was right in front of me, all 26 pounds of chunky innocence,  wanting me to forget all that other mess and focus on her. In the end, family is the most important thing in life. I know it's cliche, but most cliches are true. I wasn't focusing on what I go to work for. I wear my fingers to the bone for my kids, not for new cars, fancy eating plans, expensive restaurants and such. If I gave my all to ensuring the safety and future of my kids, I would be demonstrating financial responsibility.  Here's the twist: this isn't a post about money. It's about my kids and how they challenge me, yet reward me every second of every day. When I seek the answers to life's issues, I always come back to them. They matter the most, period.

      Being a dad is the most complicated and trying experience I've had to go through. Some days I want to quit, or mostly just eat outside in the peace and quiet. Even on the hardest days, though, my kids are the biggest blessing that God has ever bestowed upon me. They are the greatest reward for all of the crap in life we have to deal with. Remembering your kids in a time of frustration can really help you calm down, and be thankful for the awesome responsibility of being a parent. Most parents know these things, and I am stating mostly obvious stuff here, but I felt it necessary to reiterate how important my children are to me.

     You see, being a parent is more fun than any nightclub or bar. Kids are more exciting than all that traveling you want to do before setting down. They are more rewarding than finishing a marathon or having a ripped body. They are more important than any problem you can possibly face. God is the Father, and he loves us more than anything. This is passed on to us. Being a parent is the purest form of love, therefore, I believe it to be the greatest reward for all of life's challenges.

Week one results

It's been a week, so I thought I would update you guys on my progress. I have been going to the gym five out of seven days, for the last couple of weeks. Most of the time I do ten minutes on a treadmill , or one mile (which ever come first) to get my heart rate up. I have been switching between major muscle groups and have made modest advances in each. On top of this, I've increased my protein intake and adjusted my diet. I will go into detail on this momentarily. My motivation has not dwindled, which has been a positive sign that I can sustain these routines as time goes on.

Revelations.

1. My endurance has dramatically increased since I have been working in assembly. I can easily run a mile, and if I wanted I could probably be in the seven and a half to eight minute range. I have scaled back, however, because I'm trying to gain mass,  and I don't want to be counter productive.
2. I'm consuming way to little calories daily. Most models show an average adult male should be at 2200 calories per day. With my job and lifestyle, I should be at around 2800-3200 range. I struggle to get above 2100 daily. I'm going to have to figure something out.
3.I feel a lot better eating clean and exercising. Nothing to really elaborate on here.
4. This is delicious: Two scoops of protein powder, one cup of vanilla almond milk, two cups of ice, and half a banana equals a frosty like shake.

5. I hate working out my legs. I kind of ignore them, honestly, which I know is bad.  

My wife has made a few great meals including a dish using quinoa, beans, jalapenos and corn. She is a great cook, which makes eating clean really easy.

Highlights.

1. Spinach and mozzarella cheese pizza (handmade). Spinach, cheese, tomatoes (half cherry tomatoes) , crust.
2. Chicken tortilla stew.  Chicken, salsa, corn, bell peppers, tortilla, in a crock pot.
3 . Baked tilapia with asparagus.
4. Turkey baked ziti.  Whole wheat penne pasta, ground turkey, parmesan cheese, and homemade sauce.

We did eat out a couple of times,  which we are working on eliminating. This is one of the hardest things for Sarah abd I  to discontinue. My weight is currently a 176 , which is going in the wrong direction. I will keep you guys posted.

90 Days of Fitness.

A couple of days ago, me and my wife started a fitness plan. We are going to be eating clean and working out at the gym for 90 days to hopefully get in shape before our Sarasota trip. I'm not going to focus on Sarah's results, as she can discuss them when she feels it's right. Hopefully, I will be able to track my meals and progress weekly, and post updates here as much as possible. I think a lot of people have issues with getting healthy, so I'm going to do my best to show what I can do.
I'm not a professional.  I'm not even all that knowledgeable about nutrition and weight lifting technique. I'll be going on what I learned from a personal trainer years ago, and just let my wife cook the clean, mostly nutritious meals that she prefers to make anyways. I would like to put on about 10-20 pounds of muscle, as I'm around 6'2 178lbs currently and would like to get back to 200lbs. I also want to focus on cardio and up my endurance and completion time per mile while running.
I'll be posting photos and tidbits as I go along. Any helpful ideas would be appreciated, as we are novices in these areas. Anyways, that's all for now, as I'm already sore from working out and doing work on Call of Duty earlier, haha.

God Bless.

The "Southern Man" Stereotype.

Ultimately, our choices and decisions define who we are. What we choose to do, in any circumstance, shows our character and shapes our personality for the world to see. The outcome can lead to questions and confusion, but it's mostly subjective as to who is right and wrong, and whether or not it's really any of our concern to begin with. One such choice that baffles me is the stereotypical "southern man," or in reality, how most of the country believes we act. Don't misunderstand me, as I am not saying that I think all men of the south behave in this way, just that it is more prevalent here.

Let me clarify the suspect here. Most people would identify them as the strong, silent type, or even the tough guy who is "rough around the edges." These guys don't talk about feelings, offer very little emotional support for their family, and generally offer up no excuses as to why they are the way they are. Often I hear they were raised that way, or the even more antiquated dismissal that the Bible commands them to be that way. Usually, they are only concerned with being the financial provider, and may even lord it over their spouse as to why they are the boss of the family. Man is head of the house, right? What year are we in now?

In regards to spousal treatment, the wife is required to do everything in the house, without fail, just because that is the way its suppose to be. This especially comes to mind when I hear "I don't know how to do laundry or the dishes." Are you serious? Look, my wife does most of these things as well, but I do know how, and I will help her throughout the week. It doesn't matter if she stays at home and I work, she isn't my slave. I love my wife, and she does sweet things like make my lunch for work, but it's not out of fear or respect, it's out of love and adoration, which I try to reciprocate as much as I can. The moment she does one of these things and I fail to show gratitude, shame on me. As a side note, I took my son to a monster truck rally last week, by myself. It was the first time I really spent an entire day with my son, without the help of my wife. It was exhausting. My wife is a saint.

The next thing, and even more upsetting to me is the relationship with their kids. You may not even see these "dads" as they are hardly around their offspring. At family events, you seldom see them playing with their kids, or even interacting with them at all. I know we all need breaks sometimes but our kids shouldn't walk by us like we are ghosts, not expecting us to show them any attention at all. These are the kind of dads that refuse to accept that their kids will like anything other than football and hunting. Any artistic or scholastic interests are not even considered, and heaven forbid any unmanly colors are ever worn in their house.

I guess this whole thing just confuses me, to be honest. My kids were converse and DC shoes. I wear band T-shirts and have long hair. What's the deal? Why embrace the archaic idea of what a man in the south should be? You don't have to like country music, drive a truck, or be emotionally void to be a man. What's most interesting to me is that these people are actually the most concerned with their outward perception, even though they seem cold and unmovable. They actually TRY to be this way. It boggles my mind.

I like to be involved in everything my family does. I enjoy playing with my kids. I want them to show their emotions with me and be able to come to me with any problem they have. I love my wife with all of my heart. I am not ashamed.

God Bless.

Reset, Restore, Retry

                          
     So, it's been about four months since I last posted, and I felt the urge to get back into writing.  A lot of things have occurred and I would like to share a few thoughts, while pointing out the direction I am going to take this blog.
     First, I would like to address my last post, give updates, and some further insight as to why I stopped contributing. I felt that my point and purpose were being overshadowed by my fear of being judged. While I stated I didn't worry about such things, obviously I was, and it was taking some of my honesty out of what I was writing. When I concluded my last post, I was in a conundrum as to what I was going to do: either quit writing, or come back with a different approach and attitude. I'm back with that new approach, and while I understand it may be controversial to some, it's my honest thoughts and feelings. I'm going to voice my opinion, mostly because I feel compelled to, and also in hopes of creating a place to talk about such things. Last time, I got hung up on worrying about readership, comments, and shares. This time, I am just going to write what I feel and just let the other things fall where they may. I am no longer concerned about what my friends, family, and colleagues think about my heart and soul. I've had family distance themselves from me since I've started this blog. I've seen other bloggers who gave up on their blog, or just chose not to publish anymore. I'm just going to do what I want on this blog from now on, and if you don't like it, you can chose to just ignore my updates.
     Secondly, I would like to share a personal confession of sorts. I didn't realize how much this blog connected me with God. I knew that it certainly helped me, but I didn't know that it was REALLY helping me. I have seen an uptick in my swearing, exponentially, since I quit writing this blog. I've reduced praying to a once or twice scripted affair that is superficial at best. My anger and rage issues have resurfaced. I've completely given up on trying to be different at work, giving in to swearing, gossiping, and generally despicable behavior. I've went completely belligerent while playing Call of Duty, with my son's precious little ears hearing my disgusting mouth. I'm tired of it. I want to at least try to do better, and I haven't been. When I was writing on this blog, It connected me and kept me in a great mental place with God. I prayed more, I though about my actions, and I really tried to be a better person and show love to everyone. I am hoping that I can pick back up where I left off, and try to improve as much as I can.
     Finally, I wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to be changing a few things on this blog. I'm going to start with posting about other stuff than just religion. I want to write about stuff that interests me and maybe start some conversations up that aren't so serious. I'm going to categorize each post so that you guys know what it's about before even clicking on it, so that you can choose to ignore if you would like. For instance, GEEK may have posts about video games, fandoms such as Doctor Who and Sherlock, books, and movies. LIFE may have post about cooking, home improvement stuff, and my family. Obviously, religious stuff would be under the heading of RELIGIOUS, and would include my thoughts, opinions and inner most fears about God, Christianity, and all of us.
     I hope that you guys will keep viewing, and maybe get something out of this blog, even if it's just a laugh or a good read. God Bless,
Josh