Confessions of a Recovering Religious Fanatic

This is about as real as it gets. This is another post from a friend of mine, Chris J. He details his pursuit of the "calling" from God, and where it has left him currently. What do you think? Was he called to be a minister? Is he still being called? Were signs misinterpreted? Or are there no signs to begin with and this "calling" stuff is just a figment of our imagination? Leave your thoughts here, on the blog, and he will gladly discuss this with you, as will I. Read on.

Josh thought I should share my experience in running from a so called "calling" that has pursued me through the lips of individuals from the day i was "born again"....until now. So, briefly, here it goes:
People all around me still look at me and see a grown man of 36 years old running from a calling God has placed on my life to be in the ministry to some extent. I have been coaxed by my Mom, hinted at from my in-laws, prayed and prophesied over by several preachers/pastors (one of which is world renown and on TV to this day), encouraged along by college friends and teachers, even mentored by an evangelist himself while in college - the very man who founded and mentored Michael W. Smith, and even by people I work with. Talk about some pressure huh? Does that mean I'm called? My upbringing is a long-winded story. I come from a broken home. Dad played church with my Mom growing up and has nothing to do with it beyond a belief in a "God upstairs". My Mom was a very committed Christian, into charismatic churches, prophecy, spiritual gifts, and everything that comes along with it. To this day, she clings to these mysteries and plays the role of so many Christians who wait on God in order for Him to do something in their lives and/or to change them or their circumstances. My upbringing was filled with chaos, fights, cheating, a Mom who gave explanation to all things that happen in life through the eyes of a God described in the Bible...and her own human understanding. Me being the older son in the house, was slobbered over and repeatedly put on a high pedestal....she praised me continually. I grew up thinking life was explained in these books she read, the God she believed in, and the church she attended. So I too began to read and look and pray just like Mom.
I was told she committed me to the "Lord", and that there was a special calling on my life. Almost as if to make herself feel better about her own miserable existence she was going through. If her son went into the ministry and did mighty things for God, there would be a reason for the hell she was going through with my Dad. To this day, she tells me that I have a calling, I am going to do something special for the Kingdom, that it is important to carry on the spiritual heritage (the mantle)of generations past.
I grew up continually searching, wandering, wondering what all that meant. I scooted through high school wondering what to do with my life. No direction, no aim. The only meaning I could find was the meaning I thought the church and the Bible could give me. I played that roll into Jr. College getting my Associates Degree, still searching. I ended up going to school for a Biblical Studies degree and turning my search for meaning, truth, and fulfillment into pursuing the ministry. Doing my Mom proud. Proving my past wrong.
Two and a half years into speaking at youth groups, traveling around the States, speaking in Hawaii, Malta, visiting/studying in Israel, leading youth groups and helping start a college ministry....I was miserable. Was this what I was called to do? I was trying to counsel and preach to youth not far removed from myself, acting (and believing at the time) that I had all the answers, and I was completely still searching and battling all these things myself. I would go out with friends and evangelize on the streets, and come home depressed because nothing in me wanted to be doing this. It was my duty as a minister, and as a Christian, so I did it anyway.
I see a need for God to be viewed with a pure heart. I desire to know this God apart from what others have told me. I see that the ancient beliefs of this tribal God that we have to wait on and watch for and put up with can destroy people's lives. My Mother is still in the same house I grew up in, drenched in the same religious drama I was raised on, and she hasn't gone anywhere in her personal life. It has kept her stagnant for 20 something years. That's not the God I see, or want to know.
I grieve for people who view a Deistic God, a God "upstairs" who placed demands on humanity apart from our own desires and wills. A God who is in control of everything is a dangerous God to believe in. So....am I called? I yearn for people from time to time to know the God that can fill hearts, open minds, and remove the scales from eyes. Does that equate to ministry?
My life is my family. My meaning is bringing meaning to them. My task is to make a living and a home and a standard of living for them. Shouldn't that be my true calling? People shouldn't look to other people for life, meaning, truth, and ultimately answers. People should look within themselves. To the divinity that they came from - God Himself. Life itself. I'm really not sure God calls people. Not sure if I ever really had a call. I had a desire.
Leaving this all behind is EXTREMELY difficult. With people still telling me from time to time about this "call" it gets me seriously confused. I get very inwardly depressed about the possibility of missing it. That's my shortened version of my story, and I'm sticking with it. I'm a recovering religious fanatic who still wonders about the "calling".

 

                              (I do not own this photo, was taken from Gerarddirect.com)

 

 

Dream On

I had an interesting dream last night. I normally wouldn't post a dream on my blog, but it left a lasting impression of a lesson learned. So here it is:

Blurry details lead in to me eating a not-to-pleasant substance. It was disgusting and not something I would ever normally do. I walk into a building, maybe someone's house, where a party is occurring. I am not married and there is quite a few attractive women in the room. This is normally a situation where I would thrive, as I am a social person. I start talking with a girl. She immediately notices a tattoo on my arm ( In the dream I have no other tattoos, weird huh?). The tattoo has some biblical or religious theme with a verse above it. Instead of a brief explanation, then a move to a more popular topic, I explain, in great detail I might add, my faith and belief in God.  She looks slightly confused, being that no one else is talking about such a heavy topic, but eventually begins to be genuinely interested in what I'm saying. I don't stumble, I witness to this girl, instead of hitting on her.

So let's talk about the lesson learned. First of all, I have never had a dream about religion or God. I also don't have dreams where I wake up feeling like I have just had an epiphany. Usually, I have crazy dreams about ghosts, monsters, and other abnormal things. I put it all together and came to the conclusion that I was being told to watch what I say. At work, it is easy sometimes to cuss, say lewd things, and to gossip (yes guys gossip, A LOT). This is something most people experience, I think. While I don't necessarily think swearing itself is bad (the intent behind any word is the problem), I realized that others may think it is. What if I was a stumbling block for someone who is trying not to swear? What if I ruined my witness because someone heard me gossiping or swearing and thought I was a fraud? Right or wrong, it's not about whether I think it's wrong, it's about others. I want to be an encouragement to others. I want to be a light in the dark. I don't want to just blend in. Watch what I say, this hit home. The first part of the dream, obviously, was a reference to the crap that comes out of my mouth, and how it is not appealing to God or others. I believe the tattoo was a symbol for the permanent branding I shouldn't be ashamed of, which is being a follower of Christ. The dream also made me realize that I am getting more vocal about my faith. Oh, the things we can learn if we just become perceptive to what God is trying to tell us.

SEARCH, DIG

"Walking into a place unknown.
Weary of a life I've grown to know.
I'm looking at the faces of a generation lost and scared.
But we'd rather close our eyes and dream of a child with a bed under their skin.

We are not alone.
We won't be invisible.
Tens by ten thousands, we plead for something more.

Cry out, oh sons and daughters.
Rest your washed-out eyes.
Grace will keep you alive.

We are not alone.
We won't be invisible.
Tens by ten thousands, we plead for something more.

We search, we dig for roots of a stable home.
We search, we dig for a life better than this.
Tens by ten thousands we search, we dig for a life better than this."
The Overseer- "Dredge"


I search and dig for answers all the time. Sometimes it's OK to want to know more. People don't like it when you push the boundaries of Christianity, what God is, what God wants... What it all means...The more you want to know, the more you'll push yourself to find what really matters to you. Your peace, Your true heart, can be revealed by what you search for. DIG.

GUEST POST: Chris J. on meaning

This post is from a friend of mine, Chris J. This shows, just like Danny S. post, how awesome it is to see the opinions of others. I encourage you to read on!

I work in a place where talking during the day (if you can) really makes the difference between time going by relatively quickly and going by slower than a young Lego enthusiast being put in front of a wall of Legos being told to choose one. I know from experience on that one, it could take hours to make a decision that could only take 5 seconds. Yes, at work we teeter on the brink of breezing through and gnashing our teeth on any given day.
So, that being said, us diligent workers at the manufacturing plant of BMW tend to want to talk, shoot the breeze, get in each others business.....and philosophize to our hearts content. This is a very good training ground for people, such as myself, who like to play the field with such topics such as religion, science, politics (but who really cares about politics eh?), social issues, what we would've done with our lives other than this, and conspiracy theories. And that's just topics for the first quarter of some days that just so happen to go by at a snails pace.
Religion and the Bible tend to be a hot topic among several people. It has given me some very challenging topics to digest. Being confronted with people that span the wide range of opinions ranging from the literal “you're going to hell for not believing what I believe” to “Jesus could have been an alien” has really caused me to think, which is not a bad thing,  unless you really think Jesus was and alien, the buck stops there.
Several people really search. We really care what we think, and in turn, we really care what others think. It dawned on me one day as I saw a few associates having a heated discussion on a Bible topic. Something very profound. Earth shattering if you will. A ground breaking peace of information came to me. And what's even more intriguing is that my wife confirmed it by bringing up this same bit of “inspiration” days later. Ahhhh, synchronicity. Here it is:
Meaningless, it's all meaningless.
There it is. Do with it what you may. I's meaningless to get into it with people about what they believe about anything....unless they care to know. ESPECIALLY religion. Everything is meaningless. That's what we are told in the book Ecclesiastes in the Bible. That book popped in my head, and like I said, my wife later mentioned it in talking about this taxing subject. Unbeknownst to me, she had been thinking the same thing, and reading Ecclesiastes just as I was.
You see, we all search for meaning. Hell, I search for meaning in what song comes on the frickin radio when I'm going through something. How pitiful is that? We search for meaning in our jobs, in relationships, in marriage, in food and drink, recreational pleasure...you name it. The writer of this book stress's the awesome truth that we can all grasp without going through any of that. I paraphrase:
“Forget about it buddy, everything in this crummy world is meaningless, so don't even try finding any meaning. You'll fall short every time.”
So than what's the point? What do I do for meaning? Should I care what other's think? Believe? How they view life and God?
Here's what I've come to learn through this: I bring the meaning to this meaninglessness. We are it. We are the meaning. Us + God = meaning. It's not up to me to convince someone, other than myself, what to believe or how to view God and life. We are all on our own journeys of discovery....destiny. People who are open, who want to know, are going to listen to me and want to learn what I know. And vice versa. Getting into debates with others is meaningless – a chasing after the wind.
The same writer who wrote Ecclesiastes said “a man can do nothing better than to eat and drink an find satisfaction in his work.” And also, “I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.” Translation: Meaning comes from working, enjoying the fruits of that labor and enjoying as much of this life as you can without hopes of finding meaning in it.
Another point I came across. We base our society off the ten commandments. The first one is to have but one God – the one true God of Love and Life. The other nine commandments were all how best to treat other people. Funny. Jesus said something like that didn't he? The one thing he left us with is to love God with everything we have, and to love others like ourself. In other words, everything else is meaningless.
I'm realizing more and more that my path is my path. I am extremely open to let people know what I have discovered and what I may be questioning, or what I may have figured out and settled on. I try to find so much meaning in that. I try to find so much meaning in my work, in what I do for a living. I try to find so much meaning in who I am, what I eat, what I drink, the clothes I wear and the car I drive. It's all pointless, it's all going away one day. Even my opinions.
The meaning comes from inside of me. This meaning I bring to my daily life that stems from my daily walk with the Divine. Most people call Him/Her God. There is meaning in how I treat people and conduct my affairs in relationships. What I “believe” about all this other stuff is for me. If you want to know, the hungry will be seeking and ask for it. And the hungry will find it. Otherwise, it's mine. The meaning is mine. 

WHY? I'll tell you...

I wanted to take a quick moment to clarify as to why I do this blog, as some confusion has come from a few of my posts. The basics are simple: I lived a crappy live, I got married and had a son, I really started to embrace God. The point is in the grey areas, the places most Christians don't like to go or to talk about. I want this to be a place where people can talk about their lives, past and present. This is not meant to be a "God only" forum, nor is it suppose to be a place of judgement. Everyone is different. It's simply amazing how we have become who we are today. Each story varies. Some people go through harder stuff than others, some people just coast through life. We all make choices and we are who we are because of this. I want people to talk about it. Come out of your comfort zone and be open to being changed and changing others. You may have went through something that a current reader is just now experiencing. Think of the help you could be to that person in that dark place. You could share how you persevered through it, leading to a drastic change in some one else's circumstances. I want this to be a place where anyone can say anything, not be chastised for it, and we can all discuss it in an adult manner. I know a lot of people read this blog, but choose not to comment. That's OK. I hope you are getting something out of it. But to those who are actual contributing to the conversation, whether it be by guest posts, or blog/Facebook comments, I sincerely thank you. It's not easy discussing this stuff. I've put out some very personal, agonizing details of my life, with more to come. It's not just about talking about my religion, or lack there of. It's about hope and determination. We can all love one another if we quit being afraid of each other.

My father and My Regrets...

This is probably going to be the hardest post I've had to do. It's not easy not being able to handle things. I like to be in control of my feelings and know how to resolve them, and when I can't I usually pray about it and will feel better about it in time. This is different. In August, my father passed away unexpectedly. At his funeral, I said some things that apparently upset some people about my relationship with my dad and how I wish I could be half the man he was. I got the expected "you're a great dad" stuff, and shook it off for the time being. The truth is I've been dying on the inside over a lot of things left unresolved and unsaid with my dad. I haven't been able to find relief. Not in prayer, not in family, not in anything. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with by far. I decided to make this public, not to bring attention to me, but to continue trying to be as honest as I can with you guys, and myself. My intention is not to shed a bad light on my father, but rather explain these feelings in an attempt to find some relief by airing them out.

My dad was always hard to live with. From an early age, till his death, my dad was a hardened man who showed very little emotion about anything. He had a quick temper and hold a grudge, which is where I got it from I guess. We butted heads so much because we were a lot alike. He was stubborn and wanted things done his way and I, of course, went against just about anything he said. Some times it seemed like he was being insensitive when I made a mistake. I made a lot of mistakes. He was always there to fix any mess up I created. Whether it be financially, or a home repair, I could always count on him. I used him as a safety net. I took him for granted. He had mentioned multiple times that it bothered him that we (Ben and I) always went to my mom, instead of him, for any type of emotional support. I rarely gave him the privilege of just being a dad. He was always worried about me and my constant mess ups. It got to the point where when I would call, he would answer with "What do you need." I really did take him for granted, but I did care about him. This kills me to say this, but I cannot honestly say that he knew I loved him. I hope he did, but I didn't do much to show him when I could. This rips me to pieces. I always did care for him, but didn't express it much, and I should have. If you have some one that you love and are constantly arguing with (like most families do), make sure they know how you truly feel because you may not get to tell them again. This is not something you want to live everyday with. It destroys me.

My mom was in Charlotte with Molly and Ben, for the birth of little Zoey. Sarah and I were going to head up there and my mom mentioned that I should call my dad and invite him to come. My dad was usually straight forward, and I thought if he wanted to go he would just tell me. I didn't call him. He may have said no, even if I would have asked him, but I didn't give him the chance. He didn't come up, didn't get to see Molly, Ben, and his new grand daughter. I feel like I denied them of getting to see him this one last time. What's worse, I gave up the one last opportunity I had to talk to him over the phone. I was never able to speak to him again. My heart breaks for my mom, Ben, Molly and Zoey as I feel personally responsible for this. I'm so sorry.

I feel like I've let my father down. I still keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. I wanted him to be proud of me, but I just never did anything to encourage it. I saw the way he lit up when talking about Ben, how he was at a great university, and was going to get a great job. Meanwhile, I'm stuck just getting by after dropping out of college and getting into debt. Luke was the only thing I felt I did that merited pride from my father. He loved Luke so much.. Luke loved him. I hate the fact that Luke will not get to experience life with him, and vice-versa. It upsets me so much and hurts my heart just to type it.

I know I usually have some message of hope or love to wrap up a post with. I don't this time. I don't have a chance at redemption this time. He's gone and I'll never be able to right these wrongs. I haven't been able to fix these feelings, and I deal with them EVERY DAY. I plead for resolution. I feel like my prayers are not being answered. Maybe I'm dealing with this wrong. The truth is, I don't know what to do. These thoughts rush though my head constantly. I replay the moment where I told Nanny and Papa at church in my head constantly. The despair, the hurt, the anguish on their faces, it tortures me constantly. I feel for them, as I do for everyone in my family. I know he meant a lot to all of you as well. My dad was an extremely smart man. I hope and pray that I can be even a fraction of what he was. I love you all.

"Dear Daddy, don't you miss me
Cause in Heaven there's no room for tears
I can feel you here
Now as I'm thumbing through the pages
Seems forever is just too far away
When we meet again
I'll remember when

Right in front of me
You disappeared
You're still vanishing
You left me here

I stand here today
So far from the same
It's hard to move on without you
So my God fill these spaces left in me
I'm so near to lost but I'm not
So near to lost but I'm not alone"

-Nine Lashes- "Afterglow"

The Arrogant Church

Every one has a reason on why they believe what they believe in. Whether it's because of how they were raised, or because of some life event that lead them there, we are all different in what we think about when it comes to God. I'll admit that it frustrates me when I meet and talk to people who are unyielding in their beliefs, with absolutely no possibility that they could be wrong. It must be nice to have it all figured out, and to be so much smarter than everyone else. How can people be so arrogant about something that is really above our mental capacity?

The Bible. Some people treat this as the end all to all discussions about God. Even though it has been translated over a thousand times, was wrote by man, and can be contextually irrelevant, some think it is the only answer. What kills me is that the different interpretations alone have lead to so many different denominations, all with varying beliefs that can be completely contrary to the other. Some think, no, they KNOW their way is the right way. Their interpretation is correct, and to think otherwise is ridiculous and incorrect. These are probably my least favorite type of Christians. They grew up Southern Baptist or Catholic, and to them, it is the only correct way. I've been to churches where they actually preach about other churches being wrong and terrible. This sucks people. We are suppose to be united..... Separating people out into wrong or right categories to suite what you believe in is not only absurd, it is prideful and self gratifying. Sins right? Accept that your opinion is just that, an opinion, and be open to others who have different thoughts regarding the Bible and God. I know that some readers are going to be upset by this, but if they are, they are exactly who I'm talking about. It's tiring. Every time an issue or event occurs, these people quote Bible verses, often with no compassion or love to the actual subject at hand. We learn about God in our day to day life, through prayer, through our handling of certain things, and deep self exploration, not JUST in the reading of the Bible. I am not against the Bible, mind you, It just annoys me when people can't see God in the bigger picture. As a friend put it to me, you cannot limit God to just one book, he is limitless and ever expanding, far past our comprehension and our set thoughts. Why not push yourself to really define your relationship with God further? Why just say, "The Bible says this, so it is, and nothing more." The Bible is wonderful and can be extremely helpful in multiple aspects of our lives, but I think to limit our perception of God to this one book, can be harmful to our growth in Lord.

I had breakfast with a couple of friends last Saturday, and some things were put into a better light. If a non-believer came into a room, with two types of Christianity represented by two individuals, what would happen? In one corner, you have the "set in stone, I am right about everything, Bible quoting machine, repent or you're doomed" and in the other you have the "open arms, I love everyone, I know what you are going through and can relate." Who do you think the average person will go to? Probably the second. People don't like to be preached to, nor do they like to be treated like they are villains and below the common Christian. But what if the first option is the only one in the room? This person may be permanently turned off to Christ because of the actions of one person, whether it's right or wrong.  This is what bothers me about the state of the Church in today's society. Most people don't feel comfortable going to their own church members or staff to talk about the major issues they are feeling, due to either embarrassment or the fear of being judged. Christians really need to get off this judging trend. Some don't even realize they are doing it, but when you present your way as being the only answer, you are, in fact, saying that the other is wrong.

It's hard to be a light, in the light. Don't tell me about all the amazing things you do at your church. Tell me about the actual difference you make in the Dark. Most people who are conflicted, confused, and hurt, are not in the pews of your church, singing hymns, and reading the Bible. They are in the darkness, afraid of the Church and it's congregation. You cannot reach people by limiting yourself, your actions, your scenery, to just one thing. Expand. Be willing to open your heart to all types of people, all suffering from different types of sin, and don't worry about what your "fellow Christian" thinks about it. Some of the best discussions I've ever had about God have come with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. Think about that. Some of you just heard beer and God and quivered like I just committed a travesty. Others may have thought, "man I could relate to this guy, he won't condemn me like the others."

I believe going to Church is important to some people. I enjoy going from time to time. What I'm trying to say is that you can miss a Sunday and be as close to God as any person, in any congregation, in the world. Some people find more growth in God in a different setting, and this is OK, too. Stop putting all these rules and regulations on the followers of God, and let people worship and grow in their own way. You are not right about everything, and I'm not either, so let's just accept each other and respect our difference in opinions. You are not God, so stop telling me how God feels and deals with certain things in our world. These things are better left for God to determine, not man.